Hey! Welcome to KoboGist!!!!!: Love story

Hey! Welcome to KoboGist!!!!!: Love story: My love story started about eight or nine years ago, when I just started learning how to wear a bra. This smallish bobo dropped an inbox o...

Love story

My love story started about eight or nine years ago, when I just started learning how to wear a bra.

This smallish bobo dropped an inbox on my Facebook account. In my usual madam shakara slash fine girl fashion, I scanned his entire account in less than 3 mins. This is something I usually do to see if the individual is worthy of a reply, and also what kind of reply I was going to give if found worthy..... I fell asleep while trying to figure out where to place smallie. I forgot all about it the next day. The next time he sent a message I decided he wasn't worthy of a reply. (a decision I would come to regret)

But Mr smallie's tenacity wouldn't shake. He texted me on Facebook for the next couple of months. I took pity on the guy and reluctantly replied his message one day. We talked intermittently after that day for the next 8years. I grew more fond of him as the years progressed, but still wasn't attracted to him...... Not till Mr Smallie came back to Nigeria after finishing his studies in the states.

By this time, I had finished my first degree and was already working and living alone. I was taking ice cream in my car on a very normal Friday evening because I couldn't stay in the house. I had sprayed one okrika insecticide in my apartment before leaving for work to kill the mosquitoes that have been using fork and knife to eat my skin since I moved in. Then my phone's back light flickered on, lighting up my dark car to indicate a call. "Hi, it's sammy. Your Facebook friend. Remember?" He said. I was almost confused, then I remembered I had given him my number some days back after plenty shakara.

For the first time we were hearing each other's voice after about 8 years of talking online. It was soothing. I started wondering why I had been so cruel to him all this time. After the call, I scanned his Facebook page again. A lot had changed. He looked more mature and so handsome. I spent the next 3 hours checking Mr smallie out and stalking every girl I saw him stand with in his pictures. Wow! I was falling in love with him. It was weird, I had never been in love before, but I could recognize it the instant I felt it.

I went to bed with butterflies in my belly and had the best dream ever. In my dream my mum was blessing me for marriage. OMG!!! I woke up with glee! Danced around the office and took up every task my boss gave me without questions or complaining. I was indeed happy. My tatafo besty, who is also my colleague, came to my desk. "Come Nne, did you have sex last night? This one way you just dey glow like florescent so". "Babe I think I know who I'm going to marry" I said. She was so surprised because I never talked about men or relationships and now to talk about marriage made her excited and she couldn't wait to see this man. So we practically spent the entire day and week checking his pictures on Facebook and Instagram.
My apprehension started when Mr smallie had been in touch for 2months; calls, chatting, "tell me all  about your day", "you look so beautiful in that picture you posted last on IG", "why so fine babe" and blablabla...but he still wasn't toasting. Nawa o! I started thinking I was crazy for thinking God had somehow shown me my man. I wasn't the type to make my feelings known to a man, not even if he was Reekado Banks. "So how can I know if this is real or a figment of my wild imagination", I thought. Aha! I decided to test him. Try to hook him up. Since we were already good friends, this wasn't going to be awkward.

My game plan was on (a game plan I confessed when we officially started dating). I told him about a friend and claimed she was into him and all. I asked if he'd like to meet her. To the glory of God and shame of the devil, my man was so angry and turned off.... It wasn't funny sha. We almost fought because of that move and I almost regretted pulling that stunt. At least it made him tell me for the first time in all these years that it was me he liked and felt hurt that I'd think he's good for someone else. My inner goddess did a triple back flip on hearing those words. I apologized, and life went on. It was great to get an assurance that I was bae and I wasn't crazy to have fallen for him.

Things kicked of smoothly from then. I saw my man for the first time ever on the Christmas of that year. He flew down from Lagos to visit me and my family. The moment I hugged him at the airport, I was a 100% sure this was it. My last bus stop. He smelled like heaven. I cupped my arms round his neck and he spread his around my body. "Hi" he said, gazing down at me. He kissed my forehead, raised my chin up with two fingers and pressed a kiss on my lip. "hello" I replied after recovering from the kiss, pretending to be shy.

I relocated to North Carolina the following year to start my Masters program. It wasn't so hard doing the distance thing because we had never been together in the same town before.
On the day I took my final exam, it was cold. I felt really sick, exhausted and broke. I looked like shit. Sammy had called me with a private number ( I was too stressed to care) just before I left for school to congratulate me on finishing my exams.
I was so glad to be done with school and exams, couldn't wait to leave campus and hit my bed and sleep for 3 months. I came out of class to meet the best surprise in my life yet. "Sammy?", I called his name questioning my sanity. Abi I don dey crase? Maybe going 48 hours without sleep has made me delusional. I looked harder, but the image wasn't going away. Instead it went down on BOTH KNEES, right outside my class, holding a ring box with a ring in it. Holy cow! This is real!!! Sammy actually flew all the way to propose to me. I have always loved dramatic proposals, so this was perfect. I jumped at the ring and yanked it into my finger before he could speak. Went down on my knees to hug and thank him for the most dramatic proposal ever. This man, this delicious handsome man that always smells like heaven, is mine! All mine!!!
*tear*

Baby-Mother

Divine “I’m pregnant”, I said
She looked up from the book she was reading then glanced at me from head to toe and burst into laughter but stopped when she saw the seriousness on my face.
“Who got you pregnant?” SHe asked
"My Daddy and or Chidi"
she continued the laughter from were she stopped only with more intensity and I could not understand why.
“Did you say your daddy and or Chidi?”
“Yes, but they don’t know that they got me pregnant”’ I replied
“How?!!!!!!”

We were taught in school about personal belongings. You are not allowed to use someone else’s toothbrush, towel, panties and blablabla. We were explicitly told never to use other people’s belongings but as stubborn as I am, I never listen. When I got home from school, I went to have the mandatory afternoon shower but forgot to go with my towel. When I was done bathing, I looked around and picked the nearest towel to me. I cleaned my body with it making sure that I wiped my body clean of any wetness. I carefully hung back the towel so the owner won’t notice that someone else had used it. I dressed up for the night and slept like a baby. In the morning, I woke up and repeated the events of the previous night this time with another person’s towel.

...the next day at school, I and my friends gathered at break time and talked about what grown ups do. My clique then called themselves BIG GIRLS. The clique leader, Ebere, decided what we discussed (a right she bought with a cube of choco milo shared amongst six of us. I remember the slimy spit that rolled from one piece to the next as she shared it out). On that day, all she allowed us talk about was her house help's pregnancy for her father and how she must have got pregnant for her father through other means but sex. She swore that her father would never have sex with the help because she was dirty and unkempt. My curiousity got the best of me and I asked how else people get pregnant.

"Through body contact, or the use of toothbrush or towels of course..." she replied with a look that said how can you not know that.

Towels?! Goodness!  I lost track of what Ebere was saying as I remembered that just last night and that morning I had used two people's towels. I was numb. After break, I was quiet in class as I wondered what would happen to me.

My paranoia worsened when I woke up the next morning and started throwing up. Ha! From watching a lot of Nigerian movies I knew vomiting is a sign that I was truly pregnant. Mum declared me sick and unfit to go to school. I lay in bed and all forms of thought went through my mind. What do I do? How would I tell my mum that I was pregnant for her husband?! I hid my face in my pillow and cried my heart out. My pillow was soaked with tears when mum found out that I had been crying.
"Nne, are you in so much pain?", she asked with so much worry on her face

The mum I know is never this nice when we are sick. Besides she hates it when we cry 'because we are sick. She always expects us to suck it up and get better. Why then is she this nice today? God must really be punishing me. I turned my cry into a wail as she drove me to the hospital. I should better tell her so she would kill me for just one crime of pregnancy. Making her waste her time and fuel would be crime number two and three.

Immediately we got to the hospital, I threw up again. Mum carried me and ran through the queue waiting to see The doctor. Knowing that my mum never panics, he quickly laid me down on the examination bed. He asked what I ate, where I've been, if anyone in school was throwing up...I answered. I signaled the doctor with my eyes. I blinked and blinked so he could come closer for me to tell him what's wrong. He didn't notice. I rolled my eyes hoping he would notice.
"Jiji, what is wrong with your eyes?", mum asked with so much worry.
"I dunno" I replied.

How do I get my mum to leave the room? I need to talk to the doctor alone.
"I want to eat bread", I said
"Nne, don't worry! We would buy on our way home", she replied
"I want it now", I said short of screaming
"Don't be silly!" she replied
We were sent to do some tests after which the doctor wrote a long list of medications. They said I had typhoid which made me conclude that the hospital was a bad one.
At home, I went to the bathroom and inspected the towels I used. Maybe I would see eggs or sperm or whatever it is called! I had no idea what it would look like but I was sure I'd know it when I saw it. I looked through the towel inch by inch and noticed some brown marks! This must be it. Jesus! I wasn't really sure. Who do I ask? Hmmm!

I stood in front of the mirror in my mum's room and noticed how big my pregnancy had got. Gosh! Soon I won't be able to hide it! I quickly put on a loose sweater and went straight to my room to lie down...on my tummy! I prayed to God to come to my aid. With which breast would I breastfeed the baby when I put to bed? Maybe Divine or mum will help me. Their breasts were big enough and filled with milk. Hmmm! I should better talk to someone. I decided to tell my baby sitter Divine who is almost twice my age

"Divine I'm really pregnant"
"You are just 8! What do you know about pregnancy? Have you even started menstruating?", she asked still laughing.
"Men what?", I asked. That was a new word.
"Get out of here. I thought mum said you weren't feeling fine?"

Geez! Why won't she believe me? I went back to the mirror to see how much bigger my tummy had got. I lifted the wrapper and looked from every angle. I could even feel the baby kick! I went to lie down to plan my life out! I would have to stop school and become a hawker or a cleaner or....what do I really know how to do?

I cried myself to sleep and woke up when dad came to see how I was faring. He came with a bottle of schnapps that has refused to finish since I was born. He filled the bottle cap with the hot drink and asked me to drink. He teased that it would fight the typhoid faster than all my medications. I shook my head vigorously.

"I'm pregnant! It will kill my baby", I said in tears just as mom came to the doorway.

"How!", they both asked

"I'm so sorry! I used daddy's towel...and Chidi's own too! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to let them get me pregnant! My towel was not in..."

...first, puzzled looks, then thunderous laughter from both of them. In the midst of trying to discern whether both my parents had lost touch with reality, I felt foolishness drench me like the heavens broke out raining idiot idiot idiot idiot, fool fool fool fool! Chai! lol! Ebere had fooled all of us.

They both laughed and laughed like I was some sort of a comedian!

BABY ON BOARD

I got married at the young age of 20. I and my husband decided to wait a year before having kids.
 I remember telling my husband the good news about my pregnancy; he hugged me, kissed me and we made beautiful love. Lucky for us, it was the Christmas holidays, so we had all the time on earth to sleep in all day. I woke up the next day to the aroma of pancake and toast, served on a tray with a rose petal, and right beside me was my husband smiling at me like the day we met on a flight back from Scotland.  The pancake was really crappy but the gesture left me with an amazing feeling. I did marry a lovely man.


The weeks that followed were the loveliest I have ever had. He took me to and fro work, cooked for me whenever he could (though I told him to stop so we could eat better food), washed, cooked and the best of all, he went to the market for me. It was my first baby so everything seemed  beautiful.

The first trimester came and went without any form of throwing up or excessive sleeping unlike Nkiru sylvanus' disgusting Nollywood pregnancy scene. On the fourth month, paranoia took the best of me and I took home pregnancy tests every morning for a week just to confirm that I was still pregnant. They all came out positive but that didn’t convince me. As the days passed without any change, my fear increased. No increase in size, no tummy protrusion…all my fantasies of holding my back and dragging my feet with my swollen tummy came crashing. As the anxiety increased, my weight loss increased too. And to make matters worse, some of my friends kept asking incessantly if I was watching my weight. I had to talk to my husband; not because I loved him so much but because someone has to take part in the fear.



"Babe, I think I lost our baby”, I said in tears. He screamed.

"How?" "When?" "Where?" "Were you at the office when it happened?" "Did you see a doctor?" "Who took you to see a doctor?" He punctuated every question with "OH GOD!..."

“But wait, did you say you think?” he asked “You think?”

"Yes I think." In between my tears, I relayed my fears.

“Did you see blood?” he asked

“No. Must I see?” I replied

"Did you feel pain?"

"No."

“Did you see your period?” he asked

"No but I missed it sometimes, even though I wasn’t pregnant."

“Did you hit your tummy on anything?"

"No but I’ve been lying on my tummy."

When all the answers to my husband's questions proved that I couldn't have possibly miscarried the baby, I concluded that it had evaporated.

"Maybe it evaporated"
I said in a very coy way. He laughed.
We were both at a loss and the only solution we had was to go see a doctor who confirmed that there had not been any baby evaporation.

Then, all hell broke loose on a certain Thursday morning. I woke up with a jerk and knew I had to throw up. Before I could swing off the bed, I had already thrown up all over Nelson's  face (my husband). There was no time for apologies because more seemed to be on the way. I ran to the toilet, knocking over everything along the way in the process, bent over the toilet bowl and threw up my guts until I was breathless. Thank God the toilet and the kitchen have always been my pride in my home so I didn’t mind sitting on the floor. I waited for my husband to come running to my side but sadly, that was not the case. When it felt like my ass was about to catch a cold from sitting on the cold floor, I respectfully walked back to the room only to find him sound asleep and cuddled in my vomit. Adorable! However, the pain I was in outweighed the love I felt for him so I let him savor the moment for some minutes.

“wake up Nelson" I patted him on the leg, a shy away from screaming in disgust. He raised his long fair fingers to his face, Then jumped up when he felt something, I didn't need to tell him that it was my vomit.
"Babes, what the f**k?" he muttered under his breath

 All the need to apologize vanished into thin air when I heard him say the "F" word. The pain i felt couldn't quell my anger but I stopped myself from screaming at him by climbing into bed. He left the room to clean off or whatever. By the time he came back, I'd thrown up everywhere - the bed, the floor, the wardrobe, everywhere! A Sharp pain kept knocking me off my feet every time I tried to stand up. Nelson carried me to the rest room and held my hair as I threw up incessantly. Afterwards, he carried me to another room while he cleared ours that reeked of vomit.

The weeks that followed made me wish I didn't say a certain prayer. I missed work, got hospitalized...I bet Nelson wished he could put me in a quarantine bag so I could do all my vomiting in it. He took care of me like a baby and I loved him more than ever. Indeed, I married a good man!

I finally got better, still pregnant...thankfully! Things got back to normal but with a very heavy body and stomach. I added like one kg or more every week. I am the only one to blame sha, as I kept eating like a mad person. At the office, nice people called me cow (you don't want to know what the not nice ones called me).
 
I had a crucial meeting one morning that would determine if my company would write a transaction worth thousands of dollars. As usual, I arranged my favorite skirt suit, favorite pair of shoes and bag, ear rings, everything...and I visioned how good I'd look in it. What met me in the morning was amazing. The skirt wouldn't zip up, the jacket was a no no! Gosh! Had the pregnancy taken over my common sense too? What made me think I could've worn it when I must've put on an extra of 17kg. I tried on every clean stuff in the wardrobe, nothing fit. Nelson too had some important stuff to do so he called our cab man for me and left me to deal with my wardrobe pandemonium.


 In my frustration, I knocked on my neighbor's door and asked for something to wear. The weird look she gave me wasn't surprising, since we'd never spoken to each other, but then, Nigerians don't say "NO" to pregnant women. She had bad taste in clothes but I was desperate. The only thing that fit a bit was one iro and buba made with the most agonizing looking material ever. She must have worn it for a burial, I thought. I thanked her and ran to my room to use my mirror...I stood there and thought "THIS IS WRONG". Was it me or a carpenter that made the chair I was wearing? I called in to say I couldn't make the office only to hear that the meeting had been postponed. Thank God!


Throughout the day, I craved anything edible. I devoured everything in the fridge and still wanted more. It seemed like someone turned on the hunger switch and forgot to turn it off. I sat like a Dorothy in the sitting room and an awesome aroma of well cooked banga soup slowly got me on my feet. Like a dog in slow motion, I sniffed towards its direction, careful not to lose track of it. It led me to my kitchen window where I stopped and wished it was a door instead. I stood there like I was in a trance and took in the aroma but it wasn't enough. I hurriedly tied a wrapper over my nightwear and went food hunting.

The compound has a block of eight flats and we stay on the last floor.  I stopped to sniff on each floor but the aroma went on. I followed it until I got outside the gate.

I put all shame aside and went knocking on the door I felt it came from. A little girl of about 5 years old answered.

"Hi darling! How are you?" I asked, but was too impatient for a reply. "Are you the one cooking?"

"Cooking what?" she asked.

"Banga soup."

"What is banga soup?" she asked.

I cursed under my breath but went on to explain to her after which she simply said, "I cannot cook."

Gosh! I walked away to the next floor. Annoying smart child! Woe betide you when I catch you riding your bike...mtchew!

Decided to give it one more try before heading back to my flat. The next door opened and I didn't bother asking if the aroma came from there. It's here! I couldn't hide my excitement as I announced, "I want to eat banga soup!" Thankfully it was my friends flat.


She looked at me understandably and invited me in. "You'd have to wait a bit though. The rice isn't done yet" she said.

I nodded. I counted every second as I waited. She tried starting up a conversation but I had my mind fixed on one thing only. I shifted positions in anticipation of what cometh, only for her to come out with an apologetic face to say that the cooking gas just finished. Before I could stop myself, I screamed! "CHAI! HEI! Is there no way we can sieve the water from it?"

She agreed and I invited her to come over to my house to finish her cooking. I ate it hot and only realized that my throat hurt when I was done and breathless. An hour later, I threw up all the food. Great! Just great! When Nelson came in bitching about how horrible his day went, I smiled. If only he knew how mine went.

On one of my many evening strolls, I found treasure - boiled corn! I bought 3. They were hot, just the way I wanted them. I hurriedly got home, showered and relaxed to eat my lovely corn. With the first bite, my tooth chipped off. Ah! The corn was as hard as concrete. Geez! Who sells this kinda thing to people? No! This is wrong! Who sells maize meant for cultivation to people as fresh corn. I would need to pound it a bit to soften it. I wrapped the crap and headed back to where I bought it from only to find the woman gone. Mtchew! In my protest, I looked around and discovered yet another treasure - roadside mama put!

Whew! I jumped the gutter in front of the woman and placed my order...rice, beans, fresh fish, chicken, roundabout...assorted. I sat to eat and pulled up my top so my big tummy could breath. Flies won't let me eat! They know good food too. I saw that everyone there had a hand fan so I asked for mine. We all ate with one hand then fanned ourselves and pursued flies with the other. Talk about multitasking! When I was done, I stretched out on the seat to allow the food digest, only to be woken by a tap. Nelson!

"What are you doing here?" we both asked at the same time.

"I came to eat" I replied.

"Eat? Here? Is there no food at home?" he asked.

 I didn't bother replying because I knew it wouldn't help. All I said was "BRODA, abeg pay for the food" with a sarcastic smirk


"How did you intend to pay for it before I drove by and saw you snoring with your mouth wide open?" he asked with a chuckle.

How cute! I left him for the car while he paid for the food.

"Nne, you just downed 4,500 bucks" he said as he joined me in the car.

"Four what?!" I sat up ready to jump down and ask for my money. Is it mama put or Sheraton Hotel?

He smiled and asked me not to worry.

"Baby, our small bump is really driving you crazy" he said with a smile. At home, he rubbed my feet until I fell asleep.

I got restless and kept turning in bed. I rolled here and there and then over him just to wake him up.

"Nne, what is it?"

"I want to eat egedengbu."

He slowly sat up and robbed his eyes, stroked his long fair nose and gave me a confused look with his very sleepy eyes. I could see how much nuisance I was becoming but I choptas not!  "I don't know what that is but it sounds like something only grandmothers can cook" he said and tried lying down to sleep. I burst into tears and cried loudly. He got on the phone and called all my aunts who didn't mind answering by that time of the night 'cos they thought I'd gone into labor only to hear that all I wanted was egedengbu. The youngest of them all agreed to help and asked us to come over in the morning. Before daybreak, I was ready.

 We got there around 9am to find all my aunts around. They made fun of me and chided my husband for pampering me a lot. The egede wasn't ready so we had to wait. My aunt's baby sat on the dining eating a plate of indomie which I kept staring at longingly. My aunt noticed and served me a plate. I ate it with the speed of light and by the time the egede got ready, I'd lost all appetite for it. I still ate it to avoid being slapped into labor.



For Mothers. Especially Ify for inspiring this post wish you a safe delivery and I hope it's a girl.

ABOUT MY TOASTERS

I have had a lot of crappy toasters in my life. No kidding. Much respect to you for finding me attractive (incase you read this) but eh....I wish you hadn't.
My toasters ranged from married to single to any other thing in between. Whenever I think I have seen it all, someone more bizarre than the last creeps up. There's nothing on this planet Earth and maybe Mars that you can tell me that would beat what I've seen so far sha.

I could start from my primary and secondary school days but geez, those I would scream no comment about. So let's start from Uni days.

First year! It was all about books and first class....okay...truth be told, nobody saw me. I was so weird and foolish. Really young and naive, almost too young to be in the university. My fashion sense made that really obvious. I did the most irritating things, had the most foolish thoughts, laughed with myself...and my small stature didn't help at all. I was always smaller than my age.




Year two opened up the ocean of boys, all forms of them. People I didn't know called my phone, introduced themselves (and sometimes introduced me to me). It freaked me out to tears and I wondered what the madness was. And out of the whole lot, I chose one - Elozona. He was amazing, still is. Cute face, breathtaking body, voice to die for, Baptist, got all the values my mum would cherish and was, still is soooooo Igbo. Choi! He was so much of an Igbo boy. It was so bad that whenever he said he wanted to come visit me, I'd run downstairs and quickly whisk him very far away from school and my friends. If you heard the way he said 'nna eh' repeatedly like his lineage depended on it. Right before every statement, he would ask 'you understand?'. ( in the thickest Igbo accent you ever heard) What am I understanding when you haven't said anything? But he broke the deal when he visited school without saying he was. How he found out my room number I don't know (I thought I hid it from him well enough). We had all come back from lectures and as most girls normally do, we all undressed and lay down to take in the beautiful breeze and from the doorway someone said "Kpai Kpai Kpai" (Knock Knock Knock) We all lowered our voices so we could hear better and...."Kpai Kpai Kpai" I was the first to laugh out. Who says Kpai Kpai Kpai in this era and time? Knock on the freaking door na, its not fragile. It must be the guy that buys water for us but when did he start saying "Kpai Kpai Kpai"? My room mate closest to the door was just about to go see who the person was when he opened the door and walked in gallantly. AH! It was Elozona! We were all naked. Where could one even hide in this small room? Inside our buckets? We all lay naked looking at him and he walked out the same way he did...but less gallantly. For almost a year, my room mates didn't let me hear the end of it.





Another one came along. Can't remember his name, not sure I ever knew it. He called from the beginning of the semester till the end and I kept posting him. For one, I dunno where he got my number from. Finally, when the semester was almost ending, I gave in and accepted to see him (babe don broke die). I brilliantly chose a restaurant in school right outside my hostel, told my room mates where I was going, wrote his number down for them and with the agreement that I'd buy them some food, I went to see him. At matice (uniben branch) I met no one but a beggar, I think. If only I had money on me I would have bought food for him. I pitied him but couldn't do anything for him. Maybe when the chyker I was waiting for comes, he could help. I sat and called him to ask where he was and as his caller ringtone went off on my ear, the beggar's phone starting ringing. I quickly ended the call and the beggar's phone stopped ringing. WOW!!! I still sat and watched in horror as the beggar walked to my table and sat beside me. WOW!! He said hello with his eyes shot red like he had been smoking. Can't remember if I replied or not. I was too traumatized. Against my better judgement to run away, I still sat. For making me leave my room, he had to buy me food at least. He said hello again and this time I replied with a smile. He then asked me what I would like to take. Ehen! Now he was talking.

"White rice, chicken pepper soup and a bottle of coke", I replied.

He looked at me a little confused. Ah ah! Is it that he didn't know what rice was or what? He then searched through all his pockets (back and breast pockets inclusive), looked towards the ceiling and then asked, "Do you care for snacks?"

I used all my strength to stop myself from laughing. With a smile still, I told him that snacks would do.
"What snacks?", he asked
"One meat pie and one doughnut with a bottle of coke", I replied
He then ordered for just one doughnut. No drink! No meat pie!
I told the waiter to add meat pie and drink but he said otherwise after which he whispered to me that he cold not afford it. I pinched myself to be sure that this was really happening. Oh yes! It was! Let's analyse this.


Even in my brokeness, I could afford a snack and a drink. I ordered what I wanted and sat to listen to what he had to say. Maybe this was one of those stories we heard that guys disguise themselves as poor people so as to marry a girl that loved them for who they were and not what they had. Before I could even offer him, he took the meat pie and ate it. Hian! Nothing in my life had ever tried my patience that much.

He then started a story of how he was a final year Medicine and Surgery student...how he sold recharge cards...but then, he had a girlfriend who helped him sell the recharge cards...and then they broke up...and now his business was suffering because they broke up...and how he needed a girlfriend who would sell recharge cards for him the way his ex-girlfriend did. I understood the story but I did not understand what it had to do with me. For a minute or so, he stopped talking and I guessed the story had ended. In my plight to be kind, I asked if he had found this girlfriend, the one that would replace the one that left. He beamed with a smile and said, "You are the special one".
 

At that moment, I quickly swallowed my doughnut so I didn't spit it out, raised my head up and laughed out really loud. Maybe he was just coming out from a psychiatric ward. The serious look on his face made me laugh the more. After I was done laughing, the anger set in. I stood up and left before I slapped him to sanity. In my room, I sat and played out all the scenerio of me selling recharge cards in front of the hostel in my head. (I don really suffer)


The madness continued. My room mate kept telling me of her very wonderful cousin. If she sold things the same way she sold her cousin to me, she would be a millionaire. I gave in and asked to see him. After we exchanged pleasantries, he offered that we go to his house. Na wa o. Just like that? He must have seen the look on my face cos he went on to tell me how his house is cozy, comfortable with a big kitchen. How he has a cook bla bla bla! I didn't hear him say he'll move out so I can move in. I declined nicely. He then opened his smelly mouth and asked, "How is it down there?" And I'm like, huh???? Down gini?

"I mean how is it down there?". This he said with his eyes pointed towards my legs. I didn't understand.
"Is it pink or red?", he asked, this time with a lowered voice
I still didn't understand.
"Your... Your stuff...Is it pink or red?"
It then dawned on me what the crap was saying. Seriously? Seriously? Did he just ask me that. C'mon dude. I quietly asked him to leave my room and he did without any argument. I put my anger under control until my room mate, the adviser of the product, came back from wherever she went. What happened in the room would be a story for another day.


Married men came, more appalling people came...I freaked out, freaked out again and I am still freaking out. But then when a girl tells you who she rejects, she would never tell you who she accepts.

Valentine Surprise

Aha!!
A week before Valentine, I was wondering what to do with my life on Val's weekend. I used to spend the day sitting in front of the hostel, watching babes laugh, cry, fight, swear, snatch, lie bla bla bla! Its always awesome! Once, a girl travelled to PH to visit her fiance only to meet her room mate who travelled a week earlier there! They both came back to school and fought everyday for over a month. Truthfully, that was the best val I've ever had! (Story for another blog post)

Well, its time to change how I spend my Val.

Thursday morning, all my friends left me o and travelled to various places - PH, Enugu, Abuja, US, SA, Obollo Eke, Ovoko, and the list continues! Ha! I no fit carry last na! I went through all my guys list..wait wait wait! Why did u just scream ah ah? Everybody has it na. Would my case be different? As I was saying, I went through my guys list, chai, as a fine girl my options seem so limitless. The only viable one in Benin has such a temper. The last time I visited him, he nearly strangled me for asking him to drive me home.

And so I called another pretending that I just called to say hi and just like expected, he invited me to come visit. Haha! I was excited! I asked him to send me money for flight and "...ehm ehm, why don't u use bus? I'll be at work all day. Just take ABC so by the time you get here, I would have closed for the day" was his well thought reply! I could imagine him scratching his head!
Friday morning I carried my two left legs to our dean's office and told him a ridiculous lie. Can't remember what the lie was but I'm sure it was foolish. He granted me my request though and I went back to the hostel whistling. Packed and left! I boarded Bob izuwa bus to ABA! Aba Ngwa! Whew! I was so excited! I dressed up like a queen..no! A princess! A queen sounds beautiful but old! I even wore heels! Haha! This Vals weekend gat to make sense!

Wait! Before we get all excited, I've never met this guy I'm on my way to visit! Not even on facebook! He just mistakenly called me and when I told him it was a wrong number, he called back to say, "I like ur voice, can we be friends?" Had nothing to lose so We became phone buddies! Truth be told, he's such a gentleman, on the phone o! He says the right things, sings to me when necessary, not married (so he said)... It was during one of those can-i-get-to-know-you-sessions that he told me he's a politician, has four cars, lives in a big house, not rich but way comfortable (well he's just being modest or so I thought) and an only child. He's aiit by my standards! He calls like mad which was why I wasn't surprised when he called every second of the journey! Some call it monitoring spirit, I call it care!

"Baby, what will you eat so I could prepare it before you get here?"
Just goat meat pepper soup, dear.

"Nne, how are you feeling? Hope the journey has been smooth."
Yes, love (even when my legs were on fire! What was I thinking when I wore this heel?)

 Unconsciously, I started planning my wedding! Right in the bus! The color, the venue, my maids, the kinda car that he'll buy for me...awesome! I had this satisfied smile on my face. I giggled once in a while. Haha. Finally, I got to Aba! Aba Ngwa!!!! My first time there. I called him like ages before I got to Aba. He said he would be at the park, waiting. Lo and behold, he wasn't! I called and called! He said he's on the way! I looked at every car that passed and stopped! One tattered Peugeot 404 Opi Achara parked in front of me and I nearly fainted. Thank God, the driver continued his life's journey! What a relief! Ha!!!!

And suddenly, someone screamed BABY behind me! I turned and saw a 40 something year old man with shorts, tshirt and bathroom slippers running towards me. I shifted to the side so he would run to whoever he was running to! Ha! He stopped in front of me grinning from ear to ear, took my bag and placed on his left shoulder! I screamed! Don't blame me, I thought he was a thief! Where's the car? I forced a smile! I was still recovering from the shock when he stopped a keke, a very noisy one!!! Ewoooooo!!! I'm finished!!

He said things that I didn't hear! I wondered how long the night would be! I cried within! He was noisier than the keke! He said I love you at some point! The keke man said something in Ngwa. i dint understand but the look on his face said "silly girl"

We got to his big house! Well, the big house part was no lie! It was big! Big but old! Everything seemed like it was falling apart! The roof was brown, the windows were wooden and covered with cobwebs! I'm dead!! I sat on the cushion and nearly fell through to the ground! He laughed like he had no care in the world, pulled me out from the seat and asked me to sit carefully on the edge! Hei!!! The kitchen was another story! Dirty plates from two years ago stacked all the way to the agape ceiling. Where's the pepper soup? He pointed towards something brown...a fridge? "Is that a fridge?" I said it out loud before I realised I wasn't thinking it. Rusted is an under understatement. I touched the handle and it gave me a sound electric shock! I screamed! He came to my rescue like a white knight! He smelt like grease!  (Abi na mechanic I dy follow?! I thought) OMG!!! I could have just gone to Kada like a normal person and watch film jeje! He apologised and opened the fridge himself. I expected to see a bowl of pepper soup that I can just easily microwave but what he brought out was uncooked meat. He hasn't cooked it? Omg!! Omg!!! Omg!!! Omg!!! I love cooking though so I wouldn't mind! Then he said the most heartbreaking thing, "We'll go to the market so you can buy stuff for the cooking. I also want to show you off". Show me off? At the market!? Omg!! To who?! I looked around, no gas cooker!! All I saw were three black stones with a black pot without handle on it! Oh no!!!!! I was irritated. He obviously didn't notice cos he kept smiling! I think I heard him say He would clean the kitchen later.

Well, I was hungry so he took me out to eat at a road side fly infested place! A big blue fly perched on my arm and I screamed. I ran out before they brought the food. The more baby he called me, the more I felt I should just slap him. What? What? What?

It was as we got back to the house that I saw his cars. He said 4, I counted 3 unless he's counting that 911 at the side as one! All of them were covered with dust. No tire!! No mirror!! No nothing!! Well, he has 4 cars!!

I went in and attempted taking my bath. Let's not go into what the bathroom looks like. I had to do rub and shine then went to the sitting room to watch a movie. No dstv, no hi tv not even that one with a big dish like a basket. He brought out a stark of movies! Thank God!! I went through them!! All porn!! I laughed within me. I returned it to him and asked if he had cartoon. It was his turn to look at me like I was joking. He didn't! I went to bed. I didn't forget to lock the door!

In the middle of the night, he knocked at my door. "Baby, please open the door. Are you alright?" Omg! I was scared beyond measure! All the stories I heard about Cynthia, runs girls killed, raped girls, ritualists... came to mind. He was at the door for almost an hour! I prayed silently! Then I felt something on my toe. RAT!!! I screamed! Not just one o! I remembered My mum!  I almost picked my phone to confess to her and beg her to rescue me but thankfully I survived the night.

Before 5am, I was set to leave. I ran away before he even woke up.
He never called me again and I'm glad!


Happy lovers day in advance fam, Be safe....

Grateful Pt2

This isn't one of my humorous stories or random musings but a write up about the angels God used to make sure I survived 2015, cos the year was hard.  This is where I tell my Creator that I'm in awe of His love and blessings. On the first of January 2015, while others were excited about the new year, I was more scared about what direction my life was taking. I can't say all here, in time I'd share but a few know what I'm talking about. There was no mum or siblings to run to if things get crazy. This was just me and I was scared to my bloody intestines.

Family is all I've got. They make me laugh, cry, upset! They laugh at me, make me angry...love me. I've got lovely memories with you which can never be wiped off even in death. Sometimes, I sit alone and laugh at moments we've shared and people wonder if ive gone crazy. Through the hell stress of a day that wind into days, weeks and months, you, my family see me through.

Dr Oghenovo Efekodo (yes you are family), Mum and dad, my younger brother Ovo. could never have passed through 2015 without you all. God couldn't have blessed me more. You are angels.

To My very good friend Dr Ghandi and his beauriful wife and your cute little bundles of joy! Please know that anty loves you with every kiss and smack. Thank you sir for making your home mine and welcoming me when ever the heat at home was unbearable. Thanks for running around in 2015 just to make sure I had my feet back on the ground. God bless you for me.


You, my brother in thy lord and awesomest friend Emeka Ikediashi. we have come a long way haven't we? You're one of a kind. You've been the most reliable. You would heed whenever I call or cry. I do owe alot to you. Ignore me when I act like I don't care. I do care more than you can ever imagine. We laugh at silent jokes, gist silently.... We ve also had our fair share of awkward moments. Your advice, chidding, care, kindness and generousity can never be doubted. Love you to bits!




Who would have thought that last year, a time like this, that I would meet awesome people like you! Jire, you aint forgotten! Sexy! Intelligent! Beautiful! Kind.....ukwu! Sometimes we fight but most times we laugh!
SAU would have been horrible without you! And then peace. Mehn you're the big sister I never had. My soul sisters.



Israel Efosa Harry Ogie, you have a beautiful heart Hun. You know how I feel about you, I guess . But if you don't, here it is! Loving you is easy cos you loved me at my worst. At the beginning of the year when most people judged me, you were among the few that supported me. You told me something I'd never forget. (I know you don't remember) . Jide ka iji! Your path is being moulded! May He show you more love than you ve ever shown me.



Chief! I pray I don't have to do a single week of 2016 without you in it! You are my guardian angel! Don't laugh, darling! If wishes were horses... Thanks for showing me that love could be better. You're patient and kind. I'm here to stay. I hope some day I can write your full name is block letters on my blog. For now we remain discrete *wink*



I love you all awesome family and friends! There's nothing better than finding people who share and understand your madness. I see God in you all and I'm still amazed by His sufficient grace. Eventhough we are all busy with school, work n family, we always make out time to bond. Lets do it again, babies!



You, my readers and followers, are the reason I write. What's the work of a writer without readers. It goes beyond being a good writer. I love you all especially you, Anonymous!  Its a new year, lets make evey second count!

Grateful!

On days like this, I go crazy (in a happy way) no matter how hard I try not to. But this year, I wasn't feeling psyched about celebrating because I feel I'm not nearly were I should be, but thank God I attended a candle/memorial service of a friend we recently lost. She was about same age as myself (God rest her soul). And I'm here, alive, healthy and still freaking beautiful, yet complaining about trivial issues. Thank Jesus for screwing my nut back in. Lol...I'm thankful for the obvious numerous blessings Onyekeruwa bestowed on me and for the things we call small. I'm here because He let me!


Peace, Jire...my little mummys toh badt gaan! I often forget to say thank you. How you guys tolerate me humbles me. I love you both and all what you bring. Please don't shut your wardrobes yet cos I'm running out of shoes and bags.


Mishael...pipe! All I hear is You guys keep deceiving yourselves. Whenever  I say I hung out with Michael, people often ask "How do you hang out with your boyfriend and he equally brings girls along and you don't care? You are too liberal...you are such a white woman! Lol! People don't know.This is my man! Always reminding me to relax and catch my breath.


I'm thankful for those favours we call small -  for finding a toilet when I have runny stomach, for making my smile wider to people who call me from a distance though I cant see them, for my free ride, for peeing on the road and not dying of curses, for bouncing back without a after being robbed, for days I live without accidents, for falling off a bike and not breaking a bone - Chukwu obioma, you see me!


To the handsome man in my life Ovo Onyinye Eteri (I know y'all were expecting my boyfriends name, you go old!) you've always made sense I've loved you yesterday, I love you today, when tomorrow comes, I'd definitely say same! Like I always say, it's me and you against the world. I'm so proud to have a younger sibling like you.


To my very own Dr Ovo Efekodo. Thanks for always pushing me over my comfort zone, and telling me brutally honest truth. Oh yeah! To every one that feels I'm too old for my age, this young balding giant is to blame. Mentor like non other. You are family now and I can't wait to mentor your daughters like we discussed.


My Anyanwuotutu...(mum) strong willed, loving, kind, prayerful.... I'm glad Daddy made her my mum! The man in her strives to keep us safe but the woman she is cries when no one is looking. I don't pray much beyond listening to Kiki and Kirk Franklin. When words fail me, like it does most times, music is all I've got. Yet He blesses me every passing second. Seems my pa is still whispering, constantly reminding Him that I'm his precious girl in need of grace. Don't stop, daddy, or your little girl is doomed! Hope I didn't disappoint you much this year, pa and ma!



I did fail this year in more ways than one but then I do not fail at the same thing twice. Life is so much less satisfying than a fiction. Time has made me stronger. Experiences left me wiser.  Behind my veil is a smile, a tear, fear, light, shadows, flight, laughter, a snare, a truth, a journey, a story, glory, shame, beauty, pain, me, more veils....!

I'll forever sing His praises because Jesus didn't let me lose my praise. My name is Ejiro, it means praise.

Our new AC

Answered prayers! Or what?
I still remember the time I prayed for what I now have!

I was not the only one with prayer points. My younger brother needed an AC badly in the house and he always prayed for it on Sundays just like he prayed for Dad to get a washing machine.

His prayer got answered. Dad ordered an AC from Konga at a very cheap price. To top his blessings It was a giant AC meant for huge halls and event centers! Hmmm! Our parlor was almost too small for it but one can't joke with answered prayers. We got it installed and we prayed that NEPA would give us light.

We waited and waited for weeks but NEPA didn't budge and the damned AC just stood there occupying space. But it was an answer to Ovo's prayers!

And on that fateful night; UP NEPA!!!! We launched our AC and went to bed earlier than usual. We both slept in the parlor of course. It got a bit cold like an hour later so I got up for my favourite wrapper; the one I got from mum who in turn inherited from grandma. I also looked around for the remote control to my brother's giant answered prayer and didn't see it? Then I thought, DID I EVER? Ermmmm.....?!

"Ovo! Ovo!!", I called to wake him up. He didn't budge and I wasn't surprised. He usually "dies" every night. I was so sleepy and couldn't afford to stand anymore. I let the unfound remote be and lay back in bed.

I woke up slowly feeling like someone had placed a load of blocks on my chest. I just could not move. What sort of witchcraft was this? I was alive but kinda dead. I could move in my mind but not physically. I blinked (thank God! At least my eyelids could move), just as my brother's eyes blinked open too. We stared at each other like long lost lovers (without the urge to jump each other's bones, of course). It then dawned on me that this was the effect of  his giant answered prayers. I pulled the wrapper higher to cover my whole body leaving only my eyes but the thin wrapper was no match to the cold.

We both lay there hoping the AC would miraculously spoil. Ovo tried to say something but no word came out of his mouth. He rolled his eyes to the left which I interpreted as "Babe, let's share your wrapper". I would have vehemently refused but the cold didn't let me. I resorted to slightly shaking my head. He pleaded with his eyes, yet I refused. He rolled his eye balls this time to the right and I wondered what that meant!

Our bodies shook like leaves during harmattan. Just when I thought I would give up the ghost, NEPA "took their light"! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

When the cold in the room had cleared a bit...

..."Babe, why you wicked like this? I begged you to put that AC off but you refused. We could have died of cold," He said with the most serious look.

"Ah ah!" I replied. "When did you say that?"

"This morning!" he answered. (Huh? When did he talk?) "I told you with my eyes to help turn off the winter in our room. Can't you read signs? Must I talk?"

Well, I did read. I only read wrong. (I too had my grievances) Besides what happened to your own legs?

"Guy, where's the remote control for this AC?" I asked

"It doesn't have!" He replied.

"Na okirika AC daddy buy?" I asked annoyingly. He was too upset to answer me.

Till the day it was sold, Ovo's answered prayer was never put on and of course, his prayer point changed!

Based on a true life story. Lol

Rat Chase

Being a child was beautiful. Those were fun times. There were ups and downs but, have no doubt that whenever I look back to how we were, I'd always end up smiling foolishly.

...and this is how we became rat hunters. We were always hungry because the cooks at home made food that tasted like poison. Mum was hardly home to cook. So The food at home was always either too soft (watery) or hard (almost raw) and since we had time, We took the hunting really seriously.


Mum bought a new deep freezer. NEPA kinda knew because that was when they chose to seize power for over a year. We unconsciously turned the freezer into a table, bookshelf and a perfect hide and seek spot. Finally, rats also saw it as a home and built their mansions in it. One could see generations of rats gathered around their tables.

It worked perfectly for us. We fed them our clothes, books and food crumbs. We would go around after mass collecting bulletins to feed our meat-to-be. And every Saturday, we would take a peek at them to see if any was 'ripe' for eating. Whew! It was mighty amazing!

It was one of those long vacations that got the house so full with cousins and family friends. We fed our rats and waited patiently for the holiday to be almost over so we could harvest and have ourselves a feast. That day finally came. As usual, Peace headed the troupe of soldiers. She dished out the rules of engagement - DO NOT KILL THE BABY RATS. YOU GET THE HEAD OF ANY RAT YOU KILL. She said it like a million times so we could understand the importance. She then sent us out to every nook and crany of the house to block all viable rat escape routes. And finally, with so much care, we pushed the deep freezer to the centre of the room then gathered around it with sticks and brooms.

Peace then pulled off the carton that covered the fridge, releasing all the rats in different directions. Gboom! Kom! Daam! Boom!....different sounds as weapons made impact with either the floor or a rat. We also added our own little screams here and there to punctuate our excitement.

....one down... five down... six down...it was a nice hunt. Just when we thought we were done for the day, the biggest of all rats in history sluggishly crawled out of the fridge. Hey! We went after it. But somehow, we all surrounded our victim and chose that tiny split of a minute that it could escape to wonder if our sticks were hard enough to kill it. And just like the Jackie Chan movies, the rat ran towards me. I lifted my stick and hit it over and over again and with every hit, my cousin, Tolu, screamed. She must be really excited, I thought. My other cousins dropped their weapons and rallied around her. I wanted to ask what was going on but the rat was more important to me. Surprisingly, the rat was nowhere to be found.

Hian! Didn't I just pound it severally? I kept wandering the whole place looking for it when Peace, pulled me by the ear towards my cousin. I screamed in pain wondering what I did wrong.

"See! See what you did!", she shouted pointing at Tolu's head
Lo and behold, her head was swollen at several points making her look like a mini dragon. I did that? How?
"Why did you hit her with your stick?", Peace screamed
Me? When? Omg! Was she the rat? My God! I really need to ask mum to get me a new pair of glasses. Poor Tolu. I was sober and sad. Jire then pressed really hard on each of the swells but that didn't help. I sat beside her and said sorry like a million times while the rest cleared the scattered house.

"I must kill the rat that caused all this ", Peace declared. Ghen ghen! She searched everywhere scattering what the rest just arranged. They didn't complain. Afterall, she is the boss and she was on a good cause. I still sat dutifully beside Tolu when Peace came back with the rat. She assured Tolu that she (Tolu) gets to eat the head and tail of the troublesome rat.

We then gathered the rats for cooking. It was a simple process. Roast to remove all the hair, butcher to remove all the intestines, spice and boil to taste and finally, fry! It was better fried with red oil than groundnut oil so as not to loose the traditional feeling (whatever that meant).

Just as we got ready to share and eat our delicacy, our neighbours arrived. Fisayo, pearls and Jemaima. Aha! In the neighborhood where I grew up, there were plenty 'tuush' people We couldn't afford to be called rat eaters so we hid the rats hoping they would leave soon so we could continue with our fun.

"I smell fried goat meat", Fisayo said
Na wa o!
"Me too", me and Jire replied like backup singers .
"We don't have goat meat. It must be the neighbours", Peace replied. "Let's play hide and seek" (all in a bid to distract Fisayo and her siblings). We all, except Fisayo, agreed.
"I still smell goat meat", she said again
We heard you the first time. Mtchew! Can you just leave the goat alone.


She quickly dashed towards the kitchen and before we could stop her, she found the plate of rat meat. She screamed and dropped the plate nearly throwing our hard labour away.
"What is this? Rat? You people eat rat? Hei!!", she screamed and screamed. To rub in her point, she ran outside and spat severally. The entourage (her siblings) joined her. She had this disgusted look on her face that made me think if truly we should eat the rat. When her drama died down, she then decided that we play hide and seek (now she wants to play?).
"Hide", I shouted and everyone ran off to hide. Before I closed my eyes to count to ten, I saw Fisayo run to the kitchen (where would she hide there? Plate, basket?).
"....eight, nine, ten! I am coming!"

I found everyone before I went after Fisayo. Hers was easy cos there was nowhere to hide in the kitchen. As I entered, she was cleaning off something from her mouth. I could have sworn it was red oil but I have a poor eyesight. I can't afford to accuse her unless I was doubly sure. Just as I screamed FOUND YOU, she said they were going and they left.

We finally sat to eat only to find Tolu's trophy gone. All eyes rested on me. I didn't eat it! I didn't eat it! Peace slapped my head severally then handed my share over to Tolu.
"I didn't eat it! I didn't...", I kept saying through tears
"You were the only one that went to the kitchen ", Peace said. I was about to say "Fisayo too" but Jire did. (thank God I wasn't the only one that saw her go into the kitchen) She then called me aside and gave me part of her share. Tolu too gave me out of her's (or mine)

Before our parents came back, we cleaned the house, took our baths and gave Tolu a face cap to wear to cover all the lumps.

Happy new month y'all!

My Crush

The day was really beautiful! Thankfully, all I've got to do was work half day (it was a public holiday; don’t know why but I'm grateful for it) after which I'll go home for a well deserved sleep!

I whistled all the way today! Passengers in the same bus with me would think I won a lottery or better still, a husband! As I got to the office, I happily said “hi” to all the walls! I was just happy jare! Why wouldn't I? Four hours! That's all I needed!

I finished in good time and stepped out to head home. And that was when I saw him!

Wow! Wow! Wow! You again! For six months, I've watched him walk past me every lunch time at the cafe. Just for tiny seconds that mean the world to me! He's handsome! Oh la la! Wish you could see me as a write this because i'm blushing down to my intestines! He's cute! His eyes reminds me of the ocean- beautiful and endless! His body, perfect (to my specs though) his touch, so warm (ehmmmm . . .that was just in my head)! All I can say is that him walking by me every day makes life perfect!

I don’t know who he is! Ghost or human, I don’t know but there he was walking towards me!

You again! My God! She's beautiful! So quiet- i think! She says 'hi' in the most tender way! So shy! She's got that aura, that simplicity! Sweetness...

And then he said “h”i and asked me where I was going! My head swelled and swirled! I told him, nervously. Woe betide the person that mistakenly wakes me up from this dream! He opened the door for me! For me! Wow! As I stepped into the car, hot breeze met me! I nearly jumped out of the car! Where did he park the car? Hell fire? Gosh! Well! A range rover sport should have an AC! If it didnt, I won't mind going through the heat for my cream dude!

I have to use the AC for this babe! Chai! I didn't plan to! The fuel in this car can barely take me home to GRA and now I have to drive all the way to BDPA to drop her! Can't believe I'm this whipped! I offered a silent prayer to God that this car won't stop us in the middle of the road and with a clenched teeth, I put on the AC.

We had not even gone half way the journey when the cold started! My thick jacket suddenly felt like chiffon. I folded my hands hoping to protect myself from the cold! For where! I argued with myself whether to tell him to turn the air condition off or not. He would think I'm a village girl! I kept my mouth shut and hoped my head won't crack like ice!!

As we made small talk, I kept looking at the fuel gauge! God please help me! It was going down in gulps! To shake off my tension, I decided to play music forgetting that the only CD in the car is Akanchewa! Worse still, the player came on on its highest volume. From the corner of my eyes, I saw her smile! Damn! That smile could make thorns look like roses. For some minutes, I forgot about the fuel draining so fast!

What the heck? Who plays Akanchewa? Inside range rover sport? Dude! Chai! Your handsome can't cover up this one! I tried so hard not to laugh out loud! I sang along though just to pretend I love his foolish taste in music. Then, the car jerked like it was about to stop! I looked at him but it was as if he didn't notice. That must have been in my head, I guess.

Dear God, save me from this mess and I'll love you forever! The fuel has finished but for some miracle, the car kept moving! I almost stopped at a filling station but there was no kobo in my pocket or bank account too! Almost there! Almost there! At least I'll park the car in the filling station! I didn't bother telling her that I wanted to buy fuel. I feared that any word I say would make the car quench and stop! I parked on a queue and asked her if she could drive. She said yes and I asked her to drive the car to the service point when its our turn so I could quickly pick some food! (Food ko! I wanted to go to Mr Biggs and pray to God for a miracle) I asked her what she wanted and she said nothing! Thank God!!!!!!

Did I just say I know how to drive? Hahahaha! Ok o! I'll soon park this car on top of the pumping machine. The only driving I ever did was running my dad's already bashed car into a tree. Hope he has insurance! Hahaha!

I sat down and thought about how stupid I was! Geez! Of all the days I chose to behave like a horny school boy, I chose today! I laughed at myself! I wondered what I'll use and pay for the fuel! Just as the attendant put the nuzzle into the fuel tank, a better part of me wanted to run out screaming STOP but haba, not with this fine babe na! I can't! I’d rather abandon my car!!

He didn't tell me how much fuel he wanted but I had 2k to spare! That was what I planned for cab. Where's he? Maybe the food he wanted was on transit. I sha paid and parked the car by the side of the wall! Someone's horn blared behind me saying I should park well! Sorry, oga, I can't do more than this! Oh! Thank God! There he comes!!

I saw her drive like she was about to leave! I rushed out before my no-money-situation turns to no-car-and-trek-home-situation. She moved over to the passenger's side and asked why I didn’t buy the food. I lied that they didn't have what I wanted! The puzzled look on her face said it all! Liar!! I asked her how much fuel she bought and she said 2k! Haha! I brought out my empty wallet like I wanted to give her the money! She asked me not to worry! My miracle finally happened.

For some reason, he became livelier! That Mr Biggs food aroma must have it effects! Good for him! An hour of sitting under the blaring AC had its own effects on me! Plenty air was in my stomach! I was uncomfortable! If I were at home, a simple loud fart would have saved the day but I was seated with a handsome dude I'm tripping for! A miracle, Lord, is all I ask! I squeezed my ass hole tight! Please don't come out now! I fear you would be loud and smelly!

Ehmmmm...I don’t know if I did something wrong but she had some stress looks on! She gave a one word reply to everything I said! I asked if she was ok and she replied with that pretty smile! Damn!!

Hold on, Nkem, you are home! He parked at my gate and we sat and talked for some minutes (or hours! E don do oga! I wan mess!) He asked me to sit tight while he opens the door for me! Wow!

My door refused to open! I tried again! This car has started again! It has this fault where all the doors jam and open only when it so pleases them! Not today, dear doors! I nervously smiled at her and she smiled back! Damn!! The only remedy would have been to wind down the window on her side and open the door from the outside but today, the window jammed too! Wow! Mine was down but the door couldn't be opened from the outside!

What the...? Not now! I have to fart! I need to fart! Please do something to your doors! Incantations! Biko! Abracadabra! Do something! I asked him to move to the back while I climb out through the window! He said he would climb out with me! Whatever dude!

She was in a huge hurry! Maybe she has a phobia for jammed doors! This window climbing is not a small something o! It took me 5 minutes to make it out! I apologised like a million times!

I couldn't possibly climb out head first! It has to be legs first! I didn't trust my ass hole to hold back this mess calamity! Heavens please! A little crowd had already built to watch! A step at a time girl! Just as I thought I've made it, I slipped and amidst screams, it came out in its full regalia very loud and clear! Right on his face! When I got my footing, I said a quick thank you and went away! I ran upstairs and peeped through the window and watched as he kicked and cursed his car! He climbed back in through the window and drove off!!
For days, I avoided going for lunch so I don't run into him.

We shared our first kiss five months, three weeks, two days and some hours later!! Lol
*winks*

I'm pregnant.

PING!!!

Junior, I'm pregnant. How do they do this abortion thing.

Junior took a while to reply. He finally did with a surprise smiley. Just answer the question damn it! How do they do this abortion thing. "When did you start having sex? I thought you were gonna wait a while eh nne? You're just 16. I could only imagine the confused and disappointed look on his face.

It's the end of the session. Thank God! We finally get to leave this shit hole called a school. I wondered how we even managed to keep our sanity staying in this cage for months. I always hated private universities. But my post UME score wasn't high enough to get me into a government school.
It took my bus 5 million years to get full after dragging my heavy boxes to the park.

I was super excited. Not just because I was living the prison yard called school, but because of Kosi. Choi! The mere sound of his name sef felt like the presence of the holy spirit. I remember the day I met him. It was on instagram; one of those mystery cute guys that send a direct message requesting to meet me. I got that all the time so there was really no biggy except for the fact that this particular cute guy (Kosi) asked for my number. The other guys usually ask for my pin. This instantly turned me on because I feel it takes a special kind of interest to make a guy ask for your number, load his phone and and call you for 20minutes. That's how long we talked when he called. " hello, I'm Kosi. You gave me your number 2 days ago on ig. Remember?" his voice was/still is the lightest male voice I've ever heard; quite girly but extremely soothing and so damn romantic. He was 26. Almost 10years my senior. That is exactly how I liked it. I always had interest in older guys. Couldn't stand guys my age anyway. I fell in love at once. I couldn't wait to tell my rommies about the latest catch.

1month and a few days later, he took some time off work to come visit me.

Aha!!! The last passenger, finally! Or so I thought. I looked at him like a Messiah as he approached the bus, shifted inside to make room for the messiah. Then he walked right passed the bus.

'madam how you dey sell your corn'

Ewo! Took me an hour to recover from that disappointment. We got on the road after another 5million years. I got to the hotel were we planned to lodge. That hotel room happens to be the creepiest and most dingy room I have ever slept in but who cares, when I was going to meet my mystery cute guy. I waited for what seemed to be forever for him to show up. I counted the ceiling severally and started imagining how the carpenters climbed to fix it, how there was this ugly art work on the table, how my small dead body could fit into the closet if Kosi turned out to be a killer, I quickly turned on my laptop before I thought up something crazier.
Finally his call came in. "Baby there's a chicken republic close to me, should I get us some food? I just got down from the bus" No thanks I replied. In my mind: 'Just bring your fine ass here already' we'd get food here. I regretted that decision because hunger almost killed me later. What was I thinking getting food from that kind of hotel.

He was everything I hoped for and more. So handsome and way taller than he looked in pictures. I was scared his lips were too big for his face but it turned out that he was just not photogenic, cos his lips were perfect. He was perfect.
I recognized him instantly when I saw him. He grinned from ear to ear showing off cute dimpled cheeks. I looked down at my toes when ever he looked at me. I decided to buy some alcohol to boost my confidence. Woke up the next morning not knowing exactly how the night went. We made out of course but I was too drunk to remember how it felt. Well we both went back home. Communication reduced after that day. It was scary but I wasn't so bothered because the hype for Kosi had dwindled. I still liked him but my feelings for him was different now.

He asked if I had seen my period on one of his calls. I replied "no". He asked a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th time. I had missed my period but I wasn't bothered at all. Why should I be? I'm a virgin. I only wondered why he kept asking. I always joked about it though until I woke up to a BBM message; someone dreamt I was pregnant. That's when the shit hit the turbine! I told Kosi, he said I should go do a test.
Damn! How do I go to a public place as small as I am and ask for a PGT?! But I didn't have sex, did he take advantage of me that night? But if he did I would know na, abi? Why was I so stupid to get drunk? My dad will disown me. Omg! Omg! Omg!

My paranoia worsened when I woke up the next morning and started throwing up. Ha! Who doesn't know that throwing up is the first sign of pregnancy. Even if you have never heard, Nkiru Sylvanus would have told you in one of her very many disgusting throw up Nollywood scenes.
I had to talk to someone. Junior is an eye doctor but he's the only one I trust with my secret. I told him everything. He said I'm probably just experiencing a delay but I should take a PGT to confirm and abortion wasn't the first thing to think of. I remembered Jesus. I prayed like Paul and Silas.

I mustered some courage to go take the test at the farthest clinic from my house to avoid running into familiar faces. In fact the clinic was in another planet. As I waited I prayed every kind of prayer. Then someone tapped me as I stood up. Oh no! Chai! Who could this be naaa! my heavenly father.
'Babe you're stained' huh? You're stained. She said again. Really? I replied with a smile ( she must have thought I was some lunatic but I couldn't care more) I ran to the bathroom. Usually this would ruin my day but I have never been happier to see my period. I was practically flaunting it sef.

I told junior the story. He laughed at me and said he was already going to name my baby Chioma.
I will never go close to the male species again, or so I thought!

Have a great weekend.

For Michael

Pop legend Michael Jackson died on June, 25th, 2009 at the age of 50. He left us forever but his outstanding contribution as an entertainer remains- his feverish songs, dance moves and ever changing image will live in most minds of the world.

In memory of Michael Jackson, one of the most charming entertainers in the last century and my personal favourite celebrity of all time, here I collected series of wallpapers mirroring his gold days of music. 

Ok Jackson Fans, hope you soak it up like a spongbub!

  

May Michael live long in our hearts.......

It rocks to be clueless

When we was younger, we were naïve. Super naïve.

We jumped into the pool and didn’t care whether we could swim or not.

We threw ourselves into the challenge not caring whether we could master it or not.

Mummy told us she would get an air plane for us on her way back from work and we believed heartily.

We was naïve, and yeah, maybe a bit reckless. But at least we had guts and went for the fun.

And then we grew up

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang

This is when the shit hit the turbine: 

Lame-ass decisions because we was playing it safe.

No more stepping into the unknown, because we “Knew better”.

Both life and work and hit the iceberg, because our so-called maturity kept us away from making unreasonable decisions – the ones you make when you are completely clueless.

A lot of our favorite role models are clueless & naïve as well. Steve Jobs thought he could make a dent in the universe with Apple. Ridley Scott

thought he could change the film industry by creating worlds no one has entered before. Or how about Richard Branson ? I believe he’s the PRIME example of

being completely clueless but going for it anyways:

He started a newspaper in his teens and had no clue about it

He entered the ultra-competitive airline biz WITHOUT knowing a damn thing about it

He launches dozens of new products and companies, not knowing whether they will succeed or not

The only difference between you and these super achievers is that they cherished cluelessness and took massive action to see what the “other side” was all about.

Being clueless is ass-kicking because it’s opening doors faster than the concierge at the 4 seasons. Here's 3 obvious reasons why i say so:

1) You don’t kill yourself with worries.

Boy, isn’t that a big one. The human species deserves triple credit for making life miserable by fearing things that usually never happen. You know the usual suspects na abi:

What if this goes wrong ?

What if I won’t make it ? What if … what if ?

All of this is…garbage.

Garbage that a clueless person doesn’t carry because worrying isn’t simply on his menu.

If you don’t know what will happen, why would you worry about it ?

Exactly.

2) You see opportunity everywhere.

Instead of saying, ehhh, that will never work, or that woman will never fall for me, you JUST GO FOR IT. Who knows what will happen ? Are you Jesus ? NO ? Good, me neither. So let’s try that new dish, act on that 

new possibility, ask that smoking burning chick OUT.

You can not predict the future. Or the next moment. (If you can, tell me how). So the only choice you got is to step into the unknown and see it for yourself.

And remember: People always regret what they didn’t do, never the brave actions they DID.

OPPORTUNITY. EVERY. WHERE.

3) You will succeed.

No matter what you set out to do, being clueless like a child will help you get it. Yep, I truly believe that. Here’s why:  

You want to go somewhere. Achieve something. You have no clue how to do it, and people (evil naysayers to be more specific) will block your way and tell you it can’t be done because of this and that, you can't get that first class in school, you can't create a million dollar biz for yourself

and bladi bladi boo.

F&¿k them. You have no clue. You have to see it yourself.

And that means taking the first step and trying new awesome things. You never back down, because the future is a shiny ocean of endless opportunities. You try this, it doesn’t work, grrreat, now you try that. What will happen ? Screw it. You don’t know, that’s why you do it. But if you take massive action, you will get massive experience, and massive experience will help you dominate anything you’d like to dominate 

4.) You're always optimistic (The belief factor)

Your faith should be more like your childhood memories of

Christmas.

Quaint, a little naïve. Remember Christmas Eve growing up. It was the

most amazing night of the whole year. Because of the stories told about christmas. It was magical and fun all the way.

Seeing the magic like a child and being optimistic really doesn't hurt anyone. You got nothing to loose but everything to gain.

While the “reasonable” person is finding stories on why he doesn’t get what would like to have, the clueless person is busy reaping the rewards because she was “dumb” enough to jump into the river of opportunities.

Get it ? You cultivate a beginner’s mind – everything’s becomes a possibility that’s WAITING to become fulfilled. Amen to that!

And with clueless I don’t mean stupid biko: Don’t throw yourself into an insane situation that could either break you or your financial life. That’s just freaking dumb. Being clueless in my sense is not about being reckless, it’s all about  being open to new and great opportunities wherever they arise.

Wrapping it all up

If you want to do things that no one else is doing, you have to think things that no one else is thinking.

embracing everything that life’s throws at you with insane gusto.