ABOUT MY TOASTERS

I have had a lot of crappy toasters in my life. No kidding. Much respect to you for finding me attractive (incase you read this) but eh....I wish you hadn't.
My toasters ranged from married to single to any other thing in between. Whenever I think I have seen it all, someone more bizarre than the last creeps up. There's nothing on this planet Earth and maybe Mars that you can tell me that would beat what I've seen so far sha.

I could start from my primary and secondary school days but geez, those I would scream no comment about. So let's start from Uni days.

First year! It was all about books and first class....okay...truth be told, nobody saw me. I was so weird and foolish. Really young and naive, almost too young to be in the university. My fashion sense made that really obvious. I did the most irritating things, had the most foolish thoughts, laughed with myself...and my small stature didn't help at all. I was always smaller than my age.




Year two opened up the ocean of boys, all forms of them. People I didn't know called my phone, introduced themselves (and sometimes introduced me to me). It freaked me out to tears and I wondered what the madness was. And out of the whole lot, I chose one - Elozona. He was amazing, still is. Cute face, breathtaking body, voice to die for, Baptist, got all the values my mum would cherish and was, still is soooooo Igbo. Choi! He was so much of an Igbo boy. It was so bad that whenever he said he wanted to come visit me, I'd run downstairs and quickly whisk him very far away from school and my friends. If you heard the way he said 'nna eh' repeatedly like his lineage depended on it. Right before every statement, he would ask 'you understand?'. ( in the thickest Igbo accent you ever heard) What am I understanding when you haven't said anything? But he broke the deal when he visited school without saying he was. How he found out my room number I don't know (I thought I hid it from him well enough). We had all come back from lectures and as most girls normally do, we all undressed and lay down to take in the beautiful breeze and from the doorway someone said "Kpai Kpai Kpai" (Knock Knock Knock) We all lowered our voices so we could hear better and...."Kpai Kpai Kpai" I was the first to laugh out. Who says Kpai Kpai Kpai in this era and time? Knock on the freaking door na, its not fragile. It must be the guy that buys water for us but when did he start saying "Kpai Kpai Kpai"? My room mate closest to the door was just about to go see who the person was when he opened the door and walked in gallantly. AH! It was Elozona! We were all naked. Where could one even hide in this small room? Inside our buckets? We all lay naked looking at him and he walked out the same way he did...but less gallantly. For almost a year, my room mates didn't let me hear the end of it.





Another one came along. Can't remember his name, not sure I ever knew it. He called from the beginning of the semester till the end and I kept posting him. For one, I dunno where he got my number from. Finally, when the semester was almost ending, I gave in and accepted to see him (babe don broke die). I brilliantly chose a restaurant in school right outside my hostel, told my room mates where I was going, wrote his number down for them and with the agreement that I'd buy them some food, I went to see him. At matice (uniben branch) I met no one but a beggar, I think. If only I had money on me I would have bought food for him. I pitied him but couldn't do anything for him. Maybe when the chyker I was waiting for comes, he could help. I sat and called him to ask where he was and as his caller ringtone went off on my ear, the beggar's phone starting ringing. I quickly ended the call and the beggar's phone stopped ringing. WOW!!! I still sat and watched in horror as the beggar walked to my table and sat beside me. WOW!! He said hello with his eyes shot red like he had been smoking. Can't remember if I replied or not. I was too traumatized. Against my better judgement to run away, I still sat. For making me leave my room, he had to buy me food at least. He said hello again and this time I replied with a smile. He then asked me what I would like to take. Ehen! Now he was talking.

"White rice, chicken pepper soup and a bottle of coke", I replied.

He looked at me a little confused. Ah ah! Is it that he didn't know what rice was or what? He then searched through all his pockets (back and breast pockets inclusive), looked towards the ceiling and then asked, "Do you care for snacks?"

I used all my strength to stop myself from laughing. With a smile still, I told him that snacks would do.
"What snacks?", he asked
"One meat pie and one doughnut with a bottle of coke", I replied
He then ordered for just one doughnut. No drink! No meat pie!
I told the waiter to add meat pie and drink but he said otherwise after which he whispered to me that he cold not afford it. I pinched myself to be sure that this was really happening. Oh yes! It was! Let's analyse this.


Even in my brokeness, I could afford a snack and a drink. I ordered what I wanted and sat to listen to what he had to say. Maybe this was one of those stories we heard that guys disguise themselves as poor people so as to marry a girl that loved them for who they were and not what they had. Before I could even offer him, he took the meat pie and ate it. Hian! Nothing in my life had ever tried my patience that much.

He then started a story of how he was a final year Medicine and Surgery student...how he sold recharge cards...but then, he had a girlfriend who helped him sell the recharge cards...and then they broke up...and now his business was suffering because they broke up...and how he needed a girlfriend who would sell recharge cards for him the way his ex-girlfriend did. I understood the story but I did not understand what it had to do with me. For a minute or so, he stopped talking and I guessed the story had ended. In my plight to be kind, I asked if he had found this girlfriend, the one that would replace the one that left. He beamed with a smile and said, "You are the special one".
 

At that moment, I quickly swallowed my doughnut so I didn't spit it out, raised my head up and laughed out really loud. Maybe he was just coming out from a psychiatric ward. The serious look on his face made me laugh the more. After I was done laughing, the anger set in. I stood up and left before I slapped him to sanity. In my room, I sat and played out all the scenerio of me selling recharge cards in front of the hostel in my head. (I don really suffer)


The madness continued. My room mate kept telling me of her very wonderful cousin. If she sold things the same way she sold her cousin to me, she would be a millionaire. I gave in and asked to see him. After we exchanged pleasantries, he offered that we go to his house. Na wa o. Just like that? He must have seen the look on my face cos he went on to tell me how his house is cozy, comfortable with a big kitchen. How he has a cook bla bla bla! I didn't hear him say he'll move out so I can move in. I declined nicely. He then opened his smelly mouth and asked, "How is it down there?" And I'm like, huh???? Down gini?

"I mean how is it down there?". This he said with his eyes pointed towards my legs. I didn't understand.
"Is it pink or red?", he asked, this time with a lowered voice
I still didn't understand.
"Your... Your stuff...Is it pink or red?"
It then dawned on me what the crap was saying. Seriously? Seriously? Did he just ask me that. C'mon dude. I quietly asked him to leave my room and he did without any argument. I put my anger under control until my room mate, the adviser of the product, came back from wherever she went. What happened in the room would be a story for another day.


Married men came, more appalling people came...I freaked out, freaked out again and I am still freaking out. But then when a girl tells you who she rejects, she would never tell you who she accepts.

Valentine Surprise

Aha!!
A week before Valentine, I was wondering what to do with my life on Val's weekend. I used to spend the day sitting in front of the hostel, watching babes laugh, cry, fight, swear, snatch, lie bla bla bla! Its always awesome! Once, a girl travelled to PH to visit her fiance only to meet her room mate who travelled a week earlier there! They both came back to school and fought everyday for over a month. Truthfully, that was the best val I've ever had! (Story for another blog post)

Well, its time to change how I spend my Val.

Thursday morning, all my friends left me o and travelled to various places - PH, Enugu, Abuja, US, SA, Obollo Eke, Ovoko, and the list continues! Ha! I no fit carry last na! I went through all my guys list..wait wait wait! Why did u just scream ah ah? Everybody has it na. Would my case be different? As I was saying, I went through my guys list, chai, as a fine girl my options seem so limitless. The only viable one in Benin has such a temper. The last time I visited him, he nearly strangled me for asking him to drive me home.

And so I called another pretending that I just called to say hi and just like expected, he invited me to come visit. Haha! I was excited! I asked him to send me money for flight and "...ehm ehm, why don't u use bus? I'll be at work all day. Just take ABC so by the time you get here, I would have closed for the day" was his well thought reply! I could imagine him scratching his head!
Friday morning I carried my two left legs to our dean's office and told him a ridiculous lie. Can't remember what the lie was but I'm sure it was foolish. He granted me my request though and I went back to the hostel whistling. Packed and left! I boarded Bob izuwa bus to ABA! Aba Ngwa! Whew! I was so excited! I dressed up like a queen..no! A princess! A queen sounds beautiful but old! I even wore heels! Haha! This Vals weekend gat to make sense!

Wait! Before we get all excited, I've never met this guy I'm on my way to visit! Not even on facebook! He just mistakenly called me and when I told him it was a wrong number, he called back to say, "I like ur voice, can we be friends?" Had nothing to lose so We became phone buddies! Truth be told, he's such a gentleman, on the phone o! He says the right things, sings to me when necessary, not married (so he said)... It was during one of those can-i-get-to-know-you-sessions that he told me he's a politician, has four cars, lives in a big house, not rich but way comfortable (well he's just being modest or so I thought) and an only child. He's aiit by my standards! He calls like mad which was why I wasn't surprised when he called every second of the journey! Some call it monitoring spirit, I call it care!

"Baby, what will you eat so I could prepare it before you get here?"
Just goat meat pepper soup, dear.

"Nne, how are you feeling? Hope the journey has been smooth."
Yes, love (even when my legs were on fire! What was I thinking when I wore this heel?)

 Unconsciously, I started planning my wedding! Right in the bus! The color, the venue, my maids, the kinda car that he'll buy for me...awesome! I had this satisfied smile on my face. I giggled once in a while. Haha. Finally, I got to Aba! Aba Ngwa!!!! My first time there. I called him like ages before I got to Aba. He said he would be at the park, waiting. Lo and behold, he wasn't! I called and called! He said he's on the way! I looked at every car that passed and stopped! One tattered Peugeot 404 Opi Achara parked in front of me and I nearly fainted. Thank God, the driver continued his life's journey! What a relief! Ha!!!!

And suddenly, someone screamed BABY behind me! I turned and saw a 40 something year old man with shorts, tshirt and bathroom slippers running towards me. I shifted to the side so he would run to whoever he was running to! Ha! He stopped in front of me grinning from ear to ear, took my bag and placed on his left shoulder! I screamed! Don't blame me, I thought he was a thief! Where's the car? I forced a smile! I was still recovering from the shock when he stopped a keke, a very noisy one!!! Ewoooooo!!! I'm finished!!

He said things that I didn't hear! I wondered how long the night would be! I cried within! He was noisier than the keke! He said I love you at some point! The keke man said something in Ngwa. i dint understand but the look on his face said "silly girl"

We got to his big house! Well, the big house part was no lie! It was big! Big but old! Everything seemed like it was falling apart! The roof was brown, the windows were wooden and covered with cobwebs! I'm dead!! I sat on the cushion and nearly fell through to the ground! He laughed like he had no care in the world, pulled me out from the seat and asked me to sit carefully on the edge! Hei!!! The kitchen was another story! Dirty plates from two years ago stacked all the way to the agape ceiling. Where's the pepper soup? He pointed towards something brown...a fridge? "Is that a fridge?" I said it out loud before I realised I wasn't thinking it. Rusted is an under understatement. I touched the handle and it gave me a sound electric shock! I screamed! He came to my rescue like a white knight! He smelt like grease!  (Abi na mechanic I dy follow?! I thought) OMG!!! I could have just gone to Kada like a normal person and watch film jeje! He apologised and opened the fridge himself. I expected to see a bowl of pepper soup that I can just easily microwave but what he brought out was uncooked meat. He hasn't cooked it? Omg!! Omg!!! Omg!!! Omg!!! I love cooking though so I wouldn't mind! Then he said the most heartbreaking thing, "We'll go to the market so you can buy stuff for the cooking. I also want to show you off". Show me off? At the market!? Omg!! To who?! I looked around, no gas cooker!! All I saw were three black stones with a black pot without handle on it! Oh no!!!!! I was irritated. He obviously didn't notice cos he kept smiling! I think I heard him say He would clean the kitchen later.

Well, I was hungry so he took me out to eat at a road side fly infested place! A big blue fly perched on my arm and I screamed. I ran out before they brought the food. The more baby he called me, the more I felt I should just slap him. What? What? What?

It was as we got back to the house that I saw his cars. He said 4, I counted 3 unless he's counting that 911 at the side as one! All of them were covered with dust. No tire!! No mirror!! No nothing!! Well, he has 4 cars!!

I went in and attempted taking my bath. Let's not go into what the bathroom looks like. I had to do rub and shine then went to the sitting room to watch a movie. No dstv, no hi tv not even that one with a big dish like a basket. He brought out a stark of movies! Thank God!! I went through them!! All porn!! I laughed within me. I returned it to him and asked if he had cartoon. It was his turn to look at me like I was joking. He didn't! I went to bed. I didn't forget to lock the door!

In the middle of the night, he knocked at my door. "Baby, please open the door. Are you alright?" Omg! I was scared beyond measure! All the stories I heard about Cynthia, runs girls killed, raped girls, ritualists... came to mind. He was at the door for almost an hour! I prayed silently! Then I felt something on my toe. RAT!!! I screamed! Not just one o! I remembered My mum!  I almost picked my phone to confess to her and beg her to rescue me but thankfully I survived the night.

Before 5am, I was set to leave. I ran away before he even woke up.
He never called me again and I'm glad!


Happy lovers day in advance fam, Be safe....

Grateful Pt2

This isn't one of my humorous stories or random musings but a write up about the angels God used to make sure I survived 2015, cos the year was hard.  This is where I tell my Creator that I'm in awe of His love and blessings. On the first of January 2015, while others were excited about the new year, I was more scared about what direction my life was taking. I can't say all here, in time I'd share but a few know what I'm talking about. There was no mum or siblings to run to if things get crazy. This was just me and I was scared to my bloody intestines.

Family is all I've got. They make me laugh, cry, upset! They laugh at me, make me angry...love me. I've got lovely memories with you which can never be wiped off even in death. Sometimes, I sit alone and laugh at moments we've shared and people wonder if ive gone crazy. Through the hell stress of a day that wind into days, weeks and months, you, my family see me through.

Dr Oghenovo Efekodo (yes you are family), Mum and dad, my younger brother Ovo. could never have passed through 2015 without you all. God couldn't have blessed me more. You are angels.

To My very good friend Dr Ghandi and his beauriful wife and your cute little bundles of joy! Please know that anty loves you with every kiss and smack. Thank you sir for making your home mine and welcoming me when ever the heat at home was unbearable. Thanks for running around in 2015 just to make sure I had my feet back on the ground. God bless you for me.


You, my brother in thy lord and awesomest friend Emeka Ikediashi. we have come a long way haven't we? You're one of a kind. You've been the most reliable. You would heed whenever I call or cry. I do owe alot to you. Ignore me when I act like I don't care. I do care more than you can ever imagine. We laugh at silent jokes, gist silently.... We ve also had our fair share of awkward moments. Your advice, chidding, care, kindness and generousity can never be doubted. Love you to bits!




Who would have thought that last year, a time like this, that I would meet awesome people like you! Jire, you aint forgotten! Sexy! Intelligent! Beautiful! Kind.....ukwu! Sometimes we fight but most times we laugh!
SAU would have been horrible without you! And then peace. Mehn you're the big sister I never had. My soul sisters.



Israel Efosa Harry Ogie, you have a beautiful heart Hun. You know how I feel about you, I guess . But if you don't, here it is! Loving you is easy cos you loved me at my worst. At the beginning of the year when most people judged me, you were among the few that supported me. You told me something I'd never forget. (I know you don't remember) . Jide ka iji! Your path is being moulded! May He show you more love than you ve ever shown me.



Chief! I pray I don't have to do a single week of 2016 without you in it! You are my guardian angel! Don't laugh, darling! If wishes were horses... Thanks for showing me that love could be better. You're patient and kind. I'm here to stay. I hope some day I can write your full name is block letters on my blog. For now we remain discrete *wink*



I love you all awesome family and friends! There's nothing better than finding people who share and understand your madness. I see God in you all and I'm still amazed by His sufficient grace. Eventhough we are all busy with school, work n family, we always make out time to bond. Lets do it again, babies!



You, my readers and followers, are the reason I write. What's the work of a writer without readers. It goes beyond being a good writer. I love you all especially you, Anonymous!  Its a new year, lets make evey second count!

Grateful!

On days like this, I go crazy (in a happy way) no matter how hard I try not to. But this year, I wasn't feeling psyched about celebrating because I feel I'm not nearly were I should be, but thank God I attended a candle/memorial service of a friend we recently lost. She was about same age as myself (God rest her soul). And I'm here, alive, healthy and still freaking beautiful, yet complaining about trivial issues. Thank Jesus for screwing my nut back in. Lol...I'm thankful for the obvious numerous blessings Onyekeruwa bestowed on me and for the things we call small. I'm here because He let me!


Peace, Jire...my little mummys toh badt gaan! I often forget to say thank you. How you guys tolerate me humbles me. I love you both and all what you bring. Please don't shut your wardrobes yet cos I'm running out of shoes and bags.


Mishael...pipe! All I hear is You guys keep deceiving yourselves. Whenever  I say I hung out with Michael, people often ask "How do you hang out with your boyfriend and he equally brings girls along and you don't care? You are too liberal...you are such a white woman! Lol! People don't know.This is my man! Always reminding me to relax and catch my breath.


I'm thankful for those favours we call small -  for finding a toilet when I have runny stomach, for making my smile wider to people who call me from a distance though I cant see them, for my free ride, for peeing on the road and not dying of curses, for bouncing back without a after being robbed, for days I live without accidents, for falling off a bike and not breaking a bone - Chukwu obioma, you see me!


To the handsome man in my life Ovo Onyinye Eteri (I know y'all were expecting my boyfriends name, you go old!) you've always made sense I've loved you yesterday, I love you today, when tomorrow comes, I'd definitely say same! Like I always say, it's me and you against the world. I'm so proud to have a younger sibling like you.


To my very own Dr Ovo Efekodo. Thanks for always pushing me over my comfort zone, and telling me brutally honest truth. Oh yeah! To every one that feels I'm too old for my age, this young balding giant is to blame. Mentor like non other. You are family now and I can't wait to mentor your daughters like we discussed.


My Anyanwuotutu...(mum) strong willed, loving, kind, prayerful.... I'm glad Daddy made her my mum! The man in her strives to keep us safe but the woman she is cries when no one is looking. I don't pray much beyond listening to Kiki and Kirk Franklin. When words fail me, like it does most times, music is all I've got. Yet He blesses me every passing second. Seems my pa is still whispering, constantly reminding Him that I'm his precious girl in need of grace. Don't stop, daddy, or your little girl is doomed! Hope I didn't disappoint you much this year, pa and ma!



I did fail this year in more ways than one but then I do not fail at the same thing twice. Life is so much less satisfying than a fiction. Time has made me stronger. Experiences left me wiser.  Behind my veil is a smile, a tear, fear, light, shadows, flight, laughter, a snare, a truth, a journey, a story, glory, shame, beauty, pain, me, more veils....!

I'll forever sing His praises because Jesus didn't let me lose my praise. My name is Ejiro, it means praise.

Our new AC

Answered prayers! Or what?
I still remember the time I prayed for what I now have!

I was not the only one with prayer points. My younger brother needed an AC badly in the house and he always prayed for it on Sundays just like he prayed for Dad to get a washing machine.

His prayer got answered. Dad ordered an AC from Konga at a very cheap price. To top his blessings It was a giant AC meant for huge halls and event centers! Hmmm! Our parlor was almost too small for it but one can't joke with answered prayers. We got it installed and we prayed that NEPA would give us light.

We waited and waited for weeks but NEPA didn't budge and the damned AC just stood there occupying space. But it was an answer to Ovo's prayers!

And on that fateful night; UP NEPA!!!! We launched our AC and went to bed earlier than usual. We both slept in the parlor of course. It got a bit cold like an hour later so I got up for my favourite wrapper; the one I got from mum who in turn inherited from grandma. I also looked around for the remote control to my brother's giant answered prayer and didn't see it? Then I thought, DID I EVER? Ermmmm.....?!

"Ovo! Ovo!!", I called to wake him up. He didn't budge and I wasn't surprised. He usually "dies" every night. I was so sleepy and couldn't afford to stand anymore. I let the unfound remote be and lay back in bed.

I woke up slowly feeling like someone had placed a load of blocks on my chest. I just could not move. What sort of witchcraft was this? I was alive but kinda dead. I could move in my mind but not physically. I blinked (thank God! At least my eyelids could move), just as my brother's eyes blinked open too. We stared at each other like long lost lovers (without the urge to jump each other's bones, of course). It then dawned on me that this was the effect of  his giant answered prayers. I pulled the wrapper higher to cover my whole body leaving only my eyes but the thin wrapper was no match to the cold.

We both lay there hoping the AC would miraculously spoil. Ovo tried to say something but no word came out of his mouth. He rolled his eyes to the left which I interpreted as "Babe, let's share your wrapper". I would have vehemently refused but the cold didn't let me. I resorted to slightly shaking my head. He pleaded with his eyes, yet I refused. He rolled his eye balls this time to the right and I wondered what that meant!

Our bodies shook like leaves during harmattan. Just when I thought I would give up the ghost, NEPA "took their light"! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

When the cold in the room had cleared a bit...

..."Babe, why you wicked like this? I begged you to put that AC off but you refused. We could have died of cold," He said with the most serious look.

"Ah ah!" I replied. "When did you say that?"

"This morning!" he answered. (Huh? When did he talk?) "I told you with my eyes to help turn off the winter in our room. Can't you read signs? Must I talk?"

Well, I did read. I only read wrong. (I too had my grievances) Besides what happened to your own legs?

"Guy, where's the remote control for this AC?" I asked

"It doesn't have!" He replied.

"Na okirika AC daddy buy?" I asked annoyingly. He was too upset to answer me.

Till the day it was sold, Ovo's answered prayer was never put on and of course, his prayer point changed!

Based on a true life story. Lol

Rat Chase

Being a child was beautiful. Those were fun times. There were ups and downs but, have no doubt that whenever I look back to how we were, I'd always end up smiling foolishly.

...and this is how we became rat hunters. We were always hungry because the cooks at home made food that tasted like poison. Mum was hardly home to cook. So The food at home was always either too soft (watery) or hard (almost raw) and since we had time, We took the hunting really seriously.


Mum bought a new deep freezer. NEPA kinda knew because that was when they chose to seize power for over a year. We unconsciously turned the freezer into a table, bookshelf and a perfect hide and seek spot. Finally, rats also saw it as a home and built their mansions in it. One could see generations of rats gathered around their tables.

It worked perfectly for us. We fed them our clothes, books and food crumbs. We would go around after mass collecting bulletins to feed our meat-to-be. And every Saturday, we would take a peek at them to see if any was 'ripe' for eating. Whew! It was mighty amazing!

It was one of those long vacations that got the house so full with cousins and family friends. We fed our rats and waited patiently for the holiday to be almost over so we could harvest and have ourselves a feast. That day finally came. As usual, Peace headed the troupe of soldiers. She dished out the rules of engagement - DO NOT KILL THE BABY RATS. YOU GET THE HEAD OF ANY RAT YOU KILL. She said it like a million times so we could understand the importance. She then sent us out to every nook and crany of the house to block all viable rat escape routes. And finally, with so much care, we pushed the deep freezer to the centre of the room then gathered around it with sticks and brooms.

Peace then pulled off the carton that covered the fridge, releasing all the rats in different directions. Gboom! Kom! Daam! Boom!....different sounds as weapons made impact with either the floor or a rat. We also added our own little screams here and there to punctuate our excitement.

....one down... five down... six down...it was a nice hunt. Just when we thought we were done for the day, the biggest of all rats in history sluggishly crawled out of the fridge. Hey! We went after it. But somehow, we all surrounded our victim and chose that tiny split of a minute that it could escape to wonder if our sticks were hard enough to kill it. And just like the Jackie Chan movies, the rat ran towards me. I lifted my stick and hit it over and over again and with every hit, my cousin, Tolu, screamed. She must be really excited, I thought. My other cousins dropped their weapons and rallied around her. I wanted to ask what was going on but the rat was more important to me. Surprisingly, the rat was nowhere to be found.

Hian! Didn't I just pound it severally? I kept wandering the whole place looking for it when Peace, pulled me by the ear towards my cousin. I screamed in pain wondering what I did wrong.

"See! See what you did!", she shouted pointing at Tolu's head
Lo and behold, her head was swollen at several points making her look like a mini dragon. I did that? How?
"Why did you hit her with your stick?", Peace screamed
Me? When? Omg! Was she the rat? My God! I really need to ask mum to get me a new pair of glasses. Poor Tolu. I was sober and sad. Jire then pressed really hard on each of the swells but that didn't help. I sat beside her and said sorry like a million times while the rest cleared the scattered house.

"I must kill the rat that caused all this ", Peace declared. Ghen ghen! She searched everywhere scattering what the rest just arranged. They didn't complain. Afterall, she is the boss and she was on a good cause. I still sat dutifully beside Tolu when Peace came back with the rat. She assured Tolu that she (Tolu) gets to eat the head and tail of the troublesome rat.

We then gathered the rats for cooking. It was a simple process. Roast to remove all the hair, butcher to remove all the intestines, spice and boil to taste and finally, fry! It was better fried with red oil than groundnut oil so as not to loose the traditional feeling (whatever that meant).

Just as we got ready to share and eat our delicacy, our neighbours arrived. Fisayo, pearls and Jemaima. Aha! In the neighborhood where I grew up, there were plenty 'tuush' people We couldn't afford to be called rat eaters so we hid the rats hoping they would leave soon so we could continue with our fun.

"I smell fried goat meat", Fisayo said
Na wa o!
"Me too", me and Jire replied like backup singers .
"We don't have goat meat. It must be the neighbours", Peace replied. "Let's play hide and seek" (all in a bid to distract Fisayo and her siblings). We all, except Fisayo, agreed.
"I still smell goat meat", she said again
We heard you the first time. Mtchew! Can you just leave the goat alone.


She quickly dashed towards the kitchen and before we could stop her, she found the plate of rat meat. She screamed and dropped the plate nearly throwing our hard labour away.
"What is this? Rat? You people eat rat? Hei!!", she screamed and screamed. To rub in her point, she ran outside and spat severally. The entourage (her siblings) joined her. She had this disgusted look on her face that made me think if truly we should eat the rat. When her drama died down, she then decided that we play hide and seek (now she wants to play?).
"Hide", I shouted and everyone ran off to hide. Before I closed my eyes to count to ten, I saw Fisayo run to the kitchen (where would she hide there? Plate, basket?).
"....eight, nine, ten! I am coming!"

I found everyone before I went after Fisayo. Hers was easy cos there was nowhere to hide in the kitchen. As I entered, she was cleaning off something from her mouth. I could have sworn it was red oil but I have a poor eyesight. I can't afford to accuse her unless I was doubly sure. Just as I screamed FOUND YOU, she said they were going and they left.

We finally sat to eat only to find Tolu's trophy gone. All eyes rested on me. I didn't eat it! I didn't eat it! Peace slapped my head severally then handed my share over to Tolu.
"I didn't eat it! I didn't...", I kept saying through tears
"You were the only one that went to the kitchen ", Peace said. I was about to say "Fisayo too" but Jire did. (thank God I wasn't the only one that saw her go into the kitchen) She then called me aside and gave me part of her share. Tolu too gave me out of her's (or mine)

Before our parents came back, we cleaned the house, took our baths and gave Tolu a face cap to wear to cover all the lumps.

Happy new month y'all!

My Crush

The day was really beautiful! Thankfully, all I've got to do was work half day (it was a public holiday; don’t know why but I'm grateful for it) after which I'll go home for a well deserved sleep!

I whistled all the way today! Passengers in the same bus with me would think I won a lottery or better still, a husband! As I got to the office, I happily said “hi” to all the walls! I was just happy jare! Why wouldn't I? Four hours! That's all I needed!

I finished in good time and stepped out to head home. And that was when I saw him!

Wow! Wow! Wow! You again! For six months, I've watched him walk past me every lunch time at the cafe. Just for tiny seconds that mean the world to me! He's handsome! Oh la la! Wish you could see me as a write this because i'm blushing down to my intestines! He's cute! His eyes reminds me of the ocean- beautiful and endless! His body, perfect (to my specs though) his touch, so warm (ehmmmm . . .that was just in my head)! All I can say is that him walking by me every day makes life perfect!

I don’t know who he is! Ghost or human, I don’t know but there he was walking towards me!

You again! My God! She's beautiful! So quiet- i think! She says 'hi' in the most tender way! So shy! She's got that aura, that simplicity! Sweetness...

And then he said “h”i and asked me where I was going! My head swelled and swirled! I told him, nervously. Woe betide the person that mistakenly wakes me up from this dream! He opened the door for me! For me! Wow! As I stepped into the car, hot breeze met me! I nearly jumped out of the car! Where did he park the car? Hell fire? Gosh! Well! A range rover sport should have an AC! If it didnt, I won't mind going through the heat for my cream dude!

I have to use the AC for this babe! Chai! I didn't plan to! The fuel in this car can barely take me home to GRA and now I have to drive all the way to BDPA to drop her! Can't believe I'm this whipped! I offered a silent prayer to God that this car won't stop us in the middle of the road and with a clenched teeth, I put on the AC.

We had not even gone half way the journey when the cold started! My thick jacket suddenly felt like chiffon. I folded my hands hoping to protect myself from the cold! For where! I argued with myself whether to tell him to turn the air condition off or not. He would think I'm a village girl! I kept my mouth shut and hoped my head won't crack like ice!!

As we made small talk, I kept looking at the fuel gauge! God please help me! It was going down in gulps! To shake off my tension, I decided to play music forgetting that the only CD in the car is Akanchewa! Worse still, the player came on on its highest volume. From the corner of my eyes, I saw her smile! Damn! That smile could make thorns look like roses. For some minutes, I forgot about the fuel draining so fast!

What the heck? Who plays Akanchewa? Inside range rover sport? Dude! Chai! Your handsome can't cover up this one! I tried so hard not to laugh out loud! I sang along though just to pretend I love his foolish taste in music. Then, the car jerked like it was about to stop! I looked at him but it was as if he didn't notice. That must have been in my head, I guess.

Dear God, save me from this mess and I'll love you forever! The fuel has finished but for some miracle, the car kept moving! I almost stopped at a filling station but there was no kobo in my pocket or bank account too! Almost there! Almost there! At least I'll park the car in the filling station! I didn't bother telling her that I wanted to buy fuel. I feared that any word I say would make the car quench and stop! I parked on a queue and asked her if she could drive. She said yes and I asked her to drive the car to the service point when its our turn so I could quickly pick some food! (Food ko! I wanted to go to Mr Biggs and pray to God for a miracle) I asked her what she wanted and she said nothing! Thank God!!!!!!

Did I just say I know how to drive? Hahahaha! Ok o! I'll soon park this car on top of the pumping machine. The only driving I ever did was running my dad's already bashed car into a tree. Hope he has insurance! Hahaha!

I sat down and thought about how stupid I was! Geez! Of all the days I chose to behave like a horny school boy, I chose today! I laughed at myself! I wondered what I'll use and pay for the fuel! Just as the attendant put the nuzzle into the fuel tank, a better part of me wanted to run out screaming STOP but haba, not with this fine babe na! I can't! I’d rather abandon my car!!

He didn't tell me how much fuel he wanted but I had 2k to spare! That was what I planned for cab. Where's he? Maybe the food he wanted was on transit. I sha paid and parked the car by the side of the wall! Someone's horn blared behind me saying I should park well! Sorry, oga, I can't do more than this! Oh! Thank God! There he comes!!

I saw her drive like she was about to leave! I rushed out before my no-money-situation turns to no-car-and-trek-home-situation. She moved over to the passenger's side and asked why I didn’t buy the food. I lied that they didn't have what I wanted! The puzzled look on her face said it all! Liar!! I asked her how much fuel she bought and she said 2k! Haha! I brought out my empty wallet like I wanted to give her the money! She asked me not to worry! My miracle finally happened.

For some reason, he became livelier! That Mr Biggs food aroma must have it effects! Good for him! An hour of sitting under the blaring AC had its own effects on me! Plenty air was in my stomach! I was uncomfortable! If I were at home, a simple loud fart would have saved the day but I was seated with a handsome dude I'm tripping for! A miracle, Lord, is all I ask! I squeezed my ass hole tight! Please don't come out now! I fear you would be loud and smelly!

Ehmmmm...I don’t know if I did something wrong but she had some stress looks on! She gave a one word reply to everything I said! I asked if she was ok and she replied with that pretty smile! Damn!!

Hold on, Nkem, you are home! He parked at my gate and we sat and talked for some minutes (or hours! E don do oga! I wan mess!) He asked me to sit tight while he opens the door for me! Wow!

My door refused to open! I tried again! This car has started again! It has this fault where all the doors jam and open only when it so pleases them! Not today, dear doors! I nervously smiled at her and she smiled back! Damn!! The only remedy would have been to wind down the window on her side and open the door from the outside but today, the window jammed too! Wow! Mine was down but the door couldn't be opened from the outside!

What the...? Not now! I have to fart! I need to fart! Please do something to your doors! Incantations! Biko! Abracadabra! Do something! I asked him to move to the back while I climb out through the window! He said he would climb out with me! Whatever dude!

She was in a huge hurry! Maybe she has a phobia for jammed doors! This window climbing is not a small something o! It took me 5 minutes to make it out! I apologised like a million times!

I couldn't possibly climb out head first! It has to be legs first! I didn't trust my ass hole to hold back this mess calamity! Heavens please! A little crowd had already built to watch! A step at a time girl! Just as I thought I've made it, I slipped and amidst screams, it came out in its full regalia very loud and clear! Right on his face! When I got my footing, I said a quick thank you and went away! I ran upstairs and peeped through the window and watched as he kicked and cursed his car! He climbed back in through the window and drove off!!
For days, I avoided going for lunch so I don't run into him.

We shared our first kiss five months, three weeks, two days and some hours later!! Lol
*winks*