Have you been naughty or nice?

It has crept up upon us once again, 'CHRISTMAS' the season to keep all worries away. I know your thinking it's a little too early to be talking about christmas, we're still in November and schools haven't closed for the year yet. well it's my blog. (rolling eyes) I already dusted out my tree and it's ornaments, waiting for december 1st (monday) to put it up in the living room. 

So have you been naughty or nice this year? Ready for the cold season? Are you on santa's good book? What's on your wish list for christmas this year? Ok ok, cut the crap! Lol I'm just kidding. In this part of the world we don't do wish list, or santa. More like father Christmas or sekemlistic father Christmas according to my benin people. We don't do gifts so much either. Personally I wasn't brought up with gifts waiting for me under the christmas tree on christmas mornings. The best we got were new cloths. 

A Lot of people Travel home (village) from the city (I still can't wrap my head around the reason why people do that sha) to flaunt their american english speaking kids, new assets and affluence to their peers and kinsmen. Very common among the igbos. (I'm half igbo so I know) Apart from all that we celebrate the yuletide ambience with parties, music, drums, Christmas carol and midnight mass and of course with fireworks Bangad popularly called Knock out and bisko lights. Lol

This is just a warm up post for the most celebrated holiday in history. Merry Christmas in advance.

GRATITUDE IS A VIRTUE

“Psychologists have scientifically proven that the greatest overall contributing factor to overall happiness in your life is the amount of gratitude you show.” Everyone likes to be appreciated for their efforts, and by doing so you will get more productivity out of those you surround yourself with. The power of these simple words is so strong and so profound, that the mere mention of them makes people feel a strong and satisfying sense of contentment. Be it your parents, your friends, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your spouse, your boss, your employee, a teacher, or simply someone who is doing he's job and helping you; showing some genuine appreciation for that person can really make their day.

Too many things and people in our lives are taken for granted. As we grow older and put the pieces of our meandering lives together, we sometimes tend to overlook the importance of certain things and certain people in our lives who have contributed in shaping us into the person we are. Spare a moment for some positive thoughts for these people. Gratitude is a virtue.

Once in a while, place a clean note of cash on the tray after eating your wife or girlfriend or sister's meal like you do in restaurants just to say thanks.  Ladies, you nag and complain about so many things; how you want to be treated, how you want your man to dress and so on. When he starts to try to make changes please acknowledge it. A simple "I appreciate that you help me bath the kids" can spur him to do more for you. Today, remind your parents that they've done a good job raising you. Like my pastor said on Sunday, after doing that, ask for anything on earth and it'll be granted. Try sending out a thank you gift to that person you always call your guardian angel or to that wonderful friend  that's always at your beck and call whenever you need him/her. You may not have money to buy all sought but you have words. Send a voice or written note. If they are right there with you pleas show'em some love, a worm hug won't hurt.

We complain too much and forget the good things around us. Please display an attitude of gratitude to your God and people around you. Things are really not that bad.

TELEMUNDO: A WOMAN'S CHAMPION'S LEAGUE

Written by NKY OTIKE-ODIBI. She blogs at – www.legalwatchmen.blogspot.com

For decades, maybe even centuries, men during football season have dominated the television and neglected their wives and girlfriends’ pleas for attention and conversation in order to prevent them from missing Messi’s goal kick, women everywhere have given up and accepted defeat at the hands of Super Sport……or so we thought.

Now while the men and boyfriends of the world were busy jumping and squealing while watching Manchester United and Arsenal school each other, the Global Association of Wives and Girlfriends was scheming and brainstorming ways to regain control of the television at all hours, the African branch argued that they were already in charge of concoction of meals and nominated the American branch for the task, the American women argued vehemently that they were already in charge of the production and distribution of weaves and shoes and so they could not take on another project. After much argument and delegation of responsibility, it was finally agreed that the Mexican branch who had remained jobless from the inception of the organization should take on the responsibility of coming up with a way for the women to repay their men for their ninety minutes of negligence and regain control of the remote at the same time.

   The Mexican women tried various things ranging from ensuring that the times for beauty pageant clashed with the times of various matches to ensuring that matches were played on weekdays so working men would be discouraged from watching but nothing seemed to work. Just when the Mexican women were about to call an emergency meeting and declare that they had given up, they decided that they might not be able to stop football but they could come up with feminine equivalent to the evil that stole their men’s attention for all of 90 minutes! Thus Telemundo was born.

Now, for those of us who are not familiar with this concept, let me give you a short lesson on the subject. Telemundo is a DSTV channel on 118 which only shows Mexican or South-American soaps with English voice-overs, mainly on subjects of love, jealousy, envy and passion. The actors and actresses are characteristically beautiful. Telemundo is relatively a new channel and started off on AIT and other TV stations which showed Mexican soaps for one hour every day. There are some popular ones which you may heard of or even watched such as ‘When you are mine’ , ‘Second Chance’ etc And for men, if you have been wandering what keeps your wife or girlfriend awake till eleven watching TV every weekday, it’s probably a Mexican soap. It’s worthy to note that since these Mexican soaps are shown for only one hour every day, they span over four months before they are concluded.

Now back to the women’s scheme, The plan of the Mexican women became such a great success that it was given its own channel which shows at least five consecutive telenovelas each showing for fifty minutes daily (without adverts). The GAWG was so happy at the invention of the Mexican branch and put it to use immediately. Instantly, they stopped complaining of the men’s football and tables turned. The men were the ones complaining that women no longer had their time because they were busy watching Telemundo and admiring the beautiful actors carefully handpicked for such a purpose.

Telemundo has now come to ensure that women no longer have the time to try to distract their husbands and boyfriends from football. This story just goes to show you the power of a determined woman or in this case, all the determined women in the world. We are watching to see what the International Association of Husbands and Boyfriends will do about this, until then please who knows what’s wrong with Julian? Lol

Things you shouldn't say on a first date

Everyone has at least one horrible first date story, and if you don’t watch what you say, you could find yourself topping someone’s list of worst dates ever. Coined these from personal experience and gist from my friends;
1. "I thought your name was a guy's name." Oga please ask me what my name means first before mocking me. (I get this a lot so it had to be number one)

2. "I love women with big boobs" really bros, no one cares.

3. "Damn girl. Nice racks!" We love being complemented o. A Lot. but leave our racks first. At least not just yet maybe later on. We'd prefer if you concentrate on our fine face, pretty eyes, lovely hair and nails, cute smile and so on. Definitely not the racks. It's embarrassing.

4. "I used to smoke" maybe it's cool to smoke where you come from but not around here. That info would scare most girls away. It's simply not necessary. Especially if you've stopped.

5. "God led me to you" led kwa? Next thing you'd need leading to kiss. I know you think it should be impressive that the holy spirit choose me for you but sorry boo it's freakish.

6. "I had so many side chicks when I was dating my ex". So why on earth would you say this to a girl you want to date? It sounds like a disclaimer for when you start doing it again.

7. "I can't take you to a fancy restaurant" Most people don’t want to date someone in financial trouble. If you can’t afford the date, wait till u can afford one worthy of a first impression! #bitter fact#

8. "I still live with my parents." hide the looser facts biko.

9. "You remind me of my mom." Women dread being compared to your mother.

10. "What's the difference between a houseboy and a gentleman" you really had to ask that? Asking this on a first date moves you from "potential" to "no way in hell"

11. "Our kids would be so cute" When you're not korode bello or Neymar you're  talking about me having kids for you already?

12. "My brother is in jail, and my folks are separated" we don't need to know your family is dysfunctional yet.

13. "I really didn't want to come, but I had to" like it was the girl that fixed the date for you.

14. "My name is Engr X" let's live it at first names only please. It's not an official date so calling your tittle is simply ridiculous.

15. "Want to see the lingerie I bought you?" do yourself a favour and stick to more traditional gifts.

16. "Can we go to your place later?" if you were not so shallow you might actually get to see her place sometime.

17. "Sex calms me" keep your sex talk far far away please. It's irritating. Period!

18. "Hope you can pound yam" do you want a relationship or a maid?

19. "I don't usually go for short girls" my typical ejiro fashion response: neither do I o. I like taller girls.
 I know You're trying to remember if you did such damages on any date. Lol- now you're smiling. Don't worry, most of these are forgivable as long as she likes you. I repeat, AS LONG AS SHE LIKES YOU.

You are choosing poverty.

You are a cleaner with four kids, can't you see you're calling poverty? I'm sorry but you've got no business having more than two kids-actually, one but for the sake of companionship between two siblings.

You came from a poverty stricken home and you decide not to write JAMB but learn to be a mechanic deluding yourself that it's one and same with auto engineering, and you pray in church that God should make you bigger? How na? How many rich mechanics do you know?

Babe, you're still struggling and hustling to pay your university fees and you decided to date the guy you buy meat from with no degree. That's a no no honey!

You're in medical school with an allowance of only five thousand naira every month and you're dating a girl in auchi poly (no offence meant) who's got five younger siblings she sends money to. Them dey train you, you dey train dog, I pity you o!

You're an orphan, with practically no financial support- fear no catch you, you'll be sleeping around with small boys without protection. You'd get pregnant now and the cycle of poverty continues

You're a university lecturer, you have four younger ones to raise then you marry a woman who also has four younger siblings to raise. Sucks to be you bruh! Cos you'd hardly know where your salaries go.

Your wife is a teacher, you've got no job. You've got three girls and you say you want a boy that will carry on your name. Abeg which name? Are you more of a man than Barrack Obama?

You have tons of books to read and you sit watching tv 24/7. Have you seen anyone who got rich by watching tv?

If we are sincere to ourselves we'll know that some of The choices we make are detrimental. Is that guy/babe you're trying to make a spouse a liability or an asset? It may seem harsh to drop the idea of being with someone for this reason but no be by force o. If you are ok with being average or poor then it's fine. I know you could fall in love with someone regardless. But trust me, poverty frustrates love. Love has since regained her sight,she's no more blind.Try to imagine where you'd end up based on where you are now. If you don't like it you can make the changes now. Being rich like Dangote may be a complex interaction of a multiplicity of factors that may be beyond your control, but not so with poverty. Most poor people are responsible for their status as a result of wrong choices- Abi what do you think?

How to kill yourself

Life got you down? Do you hate yourself? Did your girlfriend leave you? Your boyfriend has tons of side chicks? Got some spill over courses in school? Do you have a boss that breeds down your neck with herculean tasks without compensating you? Are your boobs too small? Do you have no purpose in life other than having no money? Are you from Edo state? Flaming Conservative? Are you taking those anti-crazy drugs that make you crazy, just like they want you to be?
Why go on living with all this gut wrenching guilt when you can just kill yourself? Thousands have before you, and look where it got them. This is known as Suicide, a hobby that has a very limited shelf-life (literally). With a good suicide, like a good cry but dead, you can just release all that pent up guilt and bleed out. You've failed at everything else, here's your chance to be a success but get nothing for it (literally). So, here's everything you'll ever need to know to commit suicide successfully.
You have made a legally binding agreement that for whatever reason, you want your life ended or the knowledge on how to end it. This is not a guide against suicide, but to suicide. We work for your relatives and enemies. But seriously, if you do not know how to take a joke, call 0808679115 in Edo state or try a similar crisis line elsewhere, like 911. I doubt 911 works in Nigeria sha. I don't really think you should do it, because you will die, stupid, and miss out on lots of the sex which, if nothing else, you could buy in the future when you scrape some money together. Or the next bush meat, have you thought of bushmeat and afang soup? But deep down, you don't want to die (literally). In fact, every study done of people who try to kill themselves and fail say that almost every one changes their mind as the end nears. Don't do that, because now you know about it, and you will change your mind as you die, which is not a cool place to find yourself.
If you insist:
some of the methods listed here may be more effective than others. Any choices you make about suicide pertaining to the methods listed in this article and any expected results are done entirely at your own risk.
Touch a guy infected with Sudden Instant Death Syndrome. You'll never notice how you died a few years later.
Ask God to bring the rapture closer. WARNING: This works for Christians only.
Slow, painful death
Disbelief in vampires: you get eaten last and are chewed for much, much longer.
Attempt to kill a full grown grizzly bear using nothing but a single banana as weapon and try to delude yourself that the banana is a gun
Attempt telling your friends some really sick boring joke. They might just get angry enough to kill you.
How about planning a pic-nic at sambisa or even better plan a crusade.
Or you could download some islamic prayers into your phone, make it your ring tone allow your phone ring during morning devotion and tell your christian folks that you've changed faith. You will die!
What now, huh?
Nothing, You're not dead? If you are still reading this, then you have done something terribly wrong. Go back and try a different method. Perhaps a cup of tea before you try again might be in order.
Ps: If you're from China pleas go ahead and die. Your country is over populated anyway. It's not like China can't do without a few people.