How to kill yourself

Life got you down? Do you hate yourself? Did your girlfriend leave you? Your boyfriend has tons of side chicks? Got some spill over courses in school? Do you have a boss that breeds down your neck with herculean tasks without compensating you? Are your boobs too small? Do you have no purpose in life other than having no money? Are you from Edo state? Flaming Conservative? Are you taking those anti-crazy drugs that make you crazy, just like they want you to be?
Why go on living with all this gut wrenching guilt when you can just kill yourself? Thousands have before you, and look where it got them. This is known as Suicide, a hobby that has a very limited shelf-life (literally). With a good suicide, like a good cry but dead, you can just release all that pent up guilt and bleed out. You've failed at everything else, here's your chance to be a success but get nothing for it (literally). So, here's everything you'll ever need to know to commit suicide successfully.
You have made a legally binding agreement that for whatever reason, you want your life ended or the knowledge on how to end it. This is not a guide against suicide, but to suicide. We work for your relatives and enemies. But seriously, if you do not know how to take a joke, call 0808679115 in Edo state or try a similar crisis line elsewhere, like 911. I doubt 911 works in Nigeria sha. I don't really think you should do it, because you will die, stupid, and miss out on lots of the sex which, if nothing else, you could buy in the future when you scrape some money together. Or the next bush meat, have you thought of bushmeat and afang soup? But deep down, you don't want to die (literally). In fact, every study done of people who try to kill themselves and fail say that almost every one changes their mind as the end nears. Don't do that, because now you know about it, and you will change your mind as you die, which is not a cool place to find yourself.
If you insist:
some of the methods listed here may be more effective than others. Any choices you make about suicide pertaining to the methods listed in this article and any expected results are done entirely at your own risk.
Touch a guy infected with Sudden Instant Death Syndrome. You'll never notice how you died a few years later.
Ask God to bring the rapture closer. WARNING: This works for Christians only.
Slow, painful death
Disbelief in vampires: you get eaten last and are chewed for much, much longer.
Attempt to kill a full grown grizzly bear using nothing but a single banana as weapon and try to delude yourself that the banana is a gun
Attempt telling your friends some really sick boring joke. They might just get angry enough to kill you.
How about planning a pic-nic at sambisa or even better plan a crusade.
Or you could download some islamic prayers into your phone, make it your ring tone allow your phone ring during morning devotion and tell your christian folks that you've changed faith. You will die!
What now, huh?
Nothing, You're not dead? If you are still reading this, then you have done something terribly wrong. Go back and try a different method. Perhaps a cup of tea before you try again might be in order.
Ps: If you're from China pleas go ahead and die. Your country is over populated anyway. It's not like China can't do without a few people.